A bloody nuisance
by Marjorie Nescio
Summary: Doctor Sheldon Lee Cooper broke into Bill Compton's restricted database. Both men are brought before the Magister and Penny and her nerds show up at the scene. The Magister orders Bill to turn the fivesome. He is a cruel man indeed.
1. Chapter 1 ABN

_Introduction_

_After finishing a Big Bang Theory/Walking Dead crossover I wondered what would happen if Penny and her nerds met True Blood's vampires._

_This crossover is set in season one of True Blood. From said season I used two major things: the vampire tribunal and Bill dealing with his offspring. Without any consideration for what happened when I used the death of Sookie's cat. From True Blood's season five I will use some lines. As far as The Big Bang Theory is concerned it is set pre-Amy/pre-Bernadette/pre-Leonard+Penny._

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 1

A junk-yard was not a typical venue to spend an evening but the group of vampires on the scene didn't care for the surroundings: there was a tribunal going on and the Magister himself held court. The man may have heard of community service but the concept must be a pathetic joke to him. Over the centuries he had dealt with one type of punishment only: the corporal one. As a result one vampire who had disobeyed a rule had his fangs retracted and another one had received twenty strokes on his bare back with a silver cat-o'-nine-tails.

When the still screaming last convict was dragged away the Magister made a subtle yet demanding gesture with his fingers. A tall blond vampire stepped forward.

"Sheriff Northman. Your subject Bill Compton has failed to do a proper job."

Another gesture and two iron hatches covering holes in the ground were opened. Two prisoners were dragged out. One was a dark haired vampire, the other was a tall lean man. They were made to stand in front of the Magister.

"Bill Compton, your database was supposed to be impenetrable. This human managed to break into it."

"I must object to the way you are referring to me sir. I have a name. You may call me doctor Cooper."

"Doctor Cooper," the vampire mockingly said. "Why did you access the database?"

In the background a car neared. Its driver was blowing the horn.

"I did it because I could. And because Mr Compton refused to sell me a disc containing the vampire database. You can't say that I didn't try to follow the procedures. Now, this seems to be a court of sorts and not one that is recognised by the federal government I'm sure. I will therefore disregard the _verdict _if there happens to be one."

"Northman. Why did you bring this idiot along?"

The sheriff refrained from answering for the car had come to a stop and even the Magister looked at it. An appetizing woman got out followed by three men.

"Sheldon!" the woman cried out. Several vampires showed their fangs. Though her companions looked uncomfortable the woman acted coolly.

"There you are Sheldon! We missed you. Why don't you come back to our hotel."

"I'm glad you are here Penny. I guess you tracked me via my phone? I shall like to leave. I suspect that that man over there referred to me as _this idiot_ and I'm -"

"Not an idiot your mother had you tested. Yes we know. Now common, let's go," one of Sheldon's friends hurriedly said, casting strained smiles here and there. Unlike Penny he and the other men hadn't walked all the way to doctor Cooper.

"Yes Howard," Sheldon eagerly replied. Addressing the Magister he said: "Mr Compton had done his best to protect his database. Someone with an IQ of say below 142 wouldn't have broken it."

Not replying to the comments given by the public the five humans walked away. One of them, a short man wearing glasses, wiped his brow. The Magister allowed them to almost reach their car.

"Let go of us!" Penny yelled at the vampires who dragged her and her friends toward the Magister.

"These people are not involved in this Magister," Bill Compton politely said.

"Thank you Mr Compton," Sheldon said and looking at the Magister he added: "I'd like to state that my friends strongly objected to my plan."

"How sensible of them," the Magister said with an amused smile. "If the short man could be as kind to stop mumbling shit shit shit shit, I would be obliged."

The audience insulted the short man.

"It's going to be fine Leonard," Penny told him.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," the Magister said.

"We fall outside your jurisdiction sir," Sheldon pointed out.

His remark made the audience howl with pleasure. Leonard and Raj shivered.

"Magister please. The offence is mine. As you said I failed to protect my database. Any punishment should fall on me."

"Why do you defend them? They are merely humans."

"Whom we live with in peaceful coexistence Magister."

"You amuse me Compton," the Magister said through the audience's soft laughter. "Cooper, what did you learn from the database?"

"Nothing yet. I haven't accessed it so far. The only place to do so would be my spot on the couch in Pasadena and for the past days I was obliged to socialize with my Texan family."

"Which means there is no harm done," Penny said. "Mr Compton's database is not viewed and -"

She shut up for the Magister pressed his index-finger against his lips and combined with his smile it made for a threatening gesture. Even the buzzing coming from the audience died away.

"For failing to protect precious vampire information I planned to lock away Mr Compton in a coffin for half a month, chained in silver."

The Magister paused to allow the vampires to comment. They stamped the floor and laughed gleefully, fangs showing. Cries of _six months_ and _a year_ were heard. Penny looked behind her to see if there was anyone who wasn't enthusiastic. She spotted two tall blond vampires, a man and a woman, who didn't even smile at the prospect of Compton's punishment.

"That is mean. Vampires can't stand silver," Sheldon pointed out. He stopped talking when Penny touched his hand.

The Magister smirked. "Bill Compton, hear my verdict."

Bill stepped closer and so did sheriff Northman.

"For failing your task and being weak-hearted where these humans are concerned: one hour clad in silver in a coffin and the humans will be sold to the highest bidder -"

At hearing the Magister's last words the audience roared with delight.

"OR," the Magister said. It was as if he turned off a stereo.

"Or the cat will caress you sixty times and you turn these humans into vampires. The tough way."

The public went crazy. Bill looked shocked. Sheriff Northman seemed impressed that an alternative punishment had been offered. His companion's face betrayed amusement.

"I read," Sheldon whispered, "that turnings have a very poor success rate."

Obviously the Magister had heard Sheldon for he winked at them.

Leonard and Raj were softly whimpering. Howard swallowed hard. Penny searched the surroundings for a weapon but failed to find one. She caught Bill's eye. The vampire, who had looked human moments ago, had a hard expression on his face.

"I'll chose the second punishment Magister."

OoOoOoO

"Twelve!"

The audience's merry cry, coming from dozens of throats, couldn't wipe out the sound that came from Bill Compton's lips. Raj was crying against Howard's shoulder. Sheldon's expression showed that he desperately tried to get his mind to another place but from the pressure he applied to Penny's hand it was clear that he failed to arrive. Howard had closed his eyes and Leonard had fainted. Penny forced herself to watch. She flinched every time the cat hit Bill Compton, releasing yet another piece of skin from his back. She watched the Magister and his court and the hungry beast that was the audience. She watched the two tall blondes. Their faces were completely blank.

The executioner didn't hit Bill in an even rhythm. She played both him and the audience by sometimes waiting for over a minute before continuing. It was nerve-racking.

"Thirteen!"

Penny slowly reached into her bag for her phone.

OoOoOoO

"Fifteen!"

Penny's phone rested underneath the spiked boot of one of the vampires who were guarding them.

OoOoOoO

"Thirty-one!"

Bill softly whimpered when the cat hit his bare and as of yet undamaged feet.

"Let it be over soon, please," Howard softly said. Penny opened her mouth to tell him that it wouldn't be over when it was over, at least not instantly, but she changed her mind.

OoOoOoO

"Sixty!"

The executioner proudly held up the cat and was given a thunderous applause. Bill was a red heap on the ground. The Magister made a gesture and the five humans were escorted toward Bill. Penny was the only one who tried to fight them.

"You can do with fresh blood Compton," the Magister observed. "Part two of the punishment. The tough way. Though after the cat I doubt that even a gentleman like yourself would care to make it likeable for them."

One of the guards pushed Sheldon to the ground. Sheldon tried to get away. Bill reached out and grabbed his wrist.

"No!" the Magister said. "Take the woman first."

One guard freed Sheldon from Bill's grasp, which took no effort. Penny tried to kick the guard who came for her but he took her by her throat and presented her to Bill. His eyes showed the pain he was in and his fangs told her that she didn't stand a chance. Through the drumming of her heartbeat in her ears she heard her friends cry out for her.

"You'd better not kill me you bas-" she started and then his teeth broke through her skin. She bit her cheeks. Bill sucked. Penny moaned in pain. The audience went wild with enthusiasm and closed in. Bill sucked. Against her intention Penny screamed.


	2. Chapter 2

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 2

Penny waited for her friends to revive. She longingly looked at two trays of Tru Blood she'd found next to a tree-trunk that served her as a bench. There were animals nearby. Crickets, obviously, there was nothing unnerving about that. But she also knew, without seeing them, without hearing them, that there were birds nearby and small mammals. Animals with beating hearts. Blood.

If it wasn't for the fact that she wanted to be present when her friends surfaced and if she hadn't recalled the savageness of the public at the tribunal and if wasn't for the bottles of Tru Blood, she'd hunt a rabbit. With some hesitation she tested her fangs and they were there all right. It made her shiver from both fear and self-confidence. When the idea to watch herself in her pocket mirror occurred to her, she quickly retracted her _special teeth_.

"Come on guys, come on," she mumbled to herself, "Find your way up like I did."

Not being able to wait any longer she opened a bottle, smelled at the contents and drank. It was nutritious. It was human. It was human not to simply grab the owl on the bench above her and suck it dry. It suddenly occurred to Penny that _she_ had acted on instinct but that her friends would probably want to figure things out. She walked to the rooted up earth near the place where she'd surfaced.

"Guys? Come up. Up is where my voice is. Use your hands and your arms. You can do it. Howard, remember _Kill Bill_? The Bride had to destroy a coffin but you don't have to do that. Hands and arms. You can do it!"

Just when she thought that her friends hadn't made the transition, Penny sensed a movement.

"Great! Hands and arms and later on your legs as well! You're not going to let those creeps at the junk-yard best you, are you guys?"

More movement.

"Raj, you will love the sight of the sky. It is gorgeous. It looks so much different from how we used to see it."

More movement.

"Leonard, vampires have more muscle strength than humans, isn't that amazing?"

More movement.

"Sheldon, what did Sherlock Holmes say again? When you get rid of the impossible stuff whatever's left may seem illogical but it must be the truth?"

She intentionally messed up the phrase for she didn't want her friend to think he was dreaming. More movement. A hand, someone else's hand. Arms, heads. Howard, Raj and Leonard stood there looking dazzled. Sheldon got out too.

"Vocal test. Mor- Good Lord, look at our clothes!"

While Sheldon with a look of disgust removed earth from his shirt and pants, Raj whispered into Howard's ear.

"Yes Raj, we are vampires now," Penny replied.

Raj looked panicked.

"I heard you too," Sheldon said. Leonard nodded.

To distract Raj Penny pointed at the sky. Her friends looked up. The child-in-a-toy-store-look on their faces was a sight to behold. Penny didn't know whether Raj and Leonard licked their lips because of what they saw or because they were thirsty. She walked to the tree-trunk and opened a bottle of Tru Blood. With vampire speed her friends came toward her. They were stunned by what they'd unconsciously done.

"I'm the Flash!" Sheldon cried out. He and the other guys run away from Penny and back again and away. After chasing each other around the field where they'd been buried they returned, giddy with excitement. Penny handed them a bottle each. They awkwardly looked at each other.

"Seeing the Milky Way like that and running around like a superhero is cool, but drinking this is..." Howard said.

"Aren't your thirsty?"

Sheldon made a throatily sound. "I am as a matter of fact. It is a very primitive feeling, as if I'm a Neanderthal man. I don't want to feel like that Penny!"

"That's where the synthetic blood comes in. Cheers."

She drank. Her friends drank also and though they finished their drinks they made faces.

"It might improve when warmed," Howard said.

Raj whispered something in his ear.

"He asks if he can have another bottle," Howard out of habit informed the group.

"We heard," Penny, Leonard and Sheldon said simultaneously.

"I'm still kinda thirsty too," Leonard added.

"There are not enough bottles left for all of us," Sheldon pointed out. "Penny excluded for she already had two."

"We can share," Leonard suggested.

Sheldon shook his head. "That would be unhygienic."

Howard sighed. "Rock paper scissors lizard Spock?"

"Pub," Penny said.

OoOoOoO

The five of them adjusted to normal speed when they'd reached a place called Merlotte's. The guys were excited for having raced through the woods and Penny thought it _was_ rather thrilling but she was even more awed by the fact that it had not been a road-map that had brought them here, but the number of beating human hearts.

"It looks a bit like a red neck place, don't you think?" Howard said.

"What else can one expect here?"

"Do I look very Jewish?"

Leonard laughed. "_That's_ what you're worried about?"

Howard stopped walking. The others turned to him.

"This is so weird. I mean: we are _dead_ guys."

"We think so therefore we exist," Sheldon said with a shrug.

"Right," Penny said. "And dead people aren't thirsty. Common!"

OoOoOoO

In the Cheesecake Factory new patrons rarely ever caused the regular clientele to shut up, but in Merlotte's their arrival made people stop talking for a moment. Penny went straight to the bar where a red-headed waitress was making a private phone call as if the place wasn't crowded at all. The woman was pissed for someone named Sookie hadn't shown up yet and one Sam had asked her, the red-head, to cover for her. The red-head now noticed Penny and after some _bye bye's_ and _love you's_ she hung up.

"Hi, how can I help you?"

"Hi, I'd like five bottles of warm Tru Blood please."

"Oh honey, you don't wanna drink that stuff. It doesn't give a kick you know. Humans find it revolting and those who say it's good are lying."

"I stand by my order," Penny said with a smile. It pleased her that she wasn't exposed as a vampire.

The waitress shrugged. "Want a particular blood-group?"

Seeing her customer's startled expression she added: "It doesn't really matter. Those Japanese just made several flavours, so the vampires wouldn't have to drink the same all the time. Like this is all they drink huh?" A derisive snort emphasized the waitress's meaning. "I'll warm some O-neg and I'll bring it to you."

OoOoOoO

"Drinks are coming up guys," Penny said sitting now.

She received no comments for her friends were downloading an app to their cell phones to alert them for the rising of the sun.

"Doesn't it worry you," Sheldon said, "That whenever vampires appear in fiction they are never the good guys?"

"That is true," Howard replied. "In the classic novels they seduce beautiful virgins -"

He stopped talking for Raj whispered in his ear.

"To reply to the remark everyone, Penny included, heard, so there's no need to use my ear: you can try that but you'll simply be kicked in the groin. To return to the subject: in the Potter books vampires side with the Dark Lord. _We_ have a bad reputation."

Penny caught Howard's eye.

"This _is_ weird," Penny said. "It is _so_ weird."

The waitress appeared. "Here you are," she said after greeting them. "One order of Tru Blood. Would y'all like to order something to go along?"

Sheldon put the menu he was studying back on the table.

"No thank you," Penny said. The waitress left.

"According to the information on the menu we're in 'surprise surprise' Bon-Temps."

"Guess it was part of the punishment to drop us in this hole of a place."

"Compton resides here Leonard, as I've informed you before."

Penny by then had finished her drink.

"Much better," she commented the temperature. She didn't mention that the hearts at Merlotte's seemed to beat more modestly now and she walked to the bar to ask for another round. While she was on her way back to her friends, Bill Compton stormed in.

"Make that six," Penny said to the waitress. She greeted the vampire.

Bill looked from her to the waitress to the table where the guys sat and back to her. He cleared his throat. "Good evening. Miss Penny is it?"

"An old southern gentleman huh?"

Bill's eyes travelled over Merlotte's unharmed patrons.

Penny smiled. "Please join us."

The guys had finished their Tru Blood and they were in a heated discussion so they neither noticed that Penny had returned nor that she'd brought an addition to their party.

"You must be our Cochrane and more Howard. Warp speed alone won't do it."

"Relax Raj, it will take a long time before that will happen."

"But people who have a long time to take care of something always end up doing it at the last moment. We must begin soon!"

"Raj is right. Though I'm afraid the material we need won't be developed for decades or even centuries we could at least start the calculations."

"What's it about guys?" Penny chimed in.

Raj blushed.

"Mr Compton!" Sheldon said in an accusing tone of voice. He rose. "I see that thanks to our _donation_ you've recovered? Was it pleasant to kill us?"

"Manners Sheldon,´ Penny reminded her friend. "If Mr Compton had opted for the first punishment the police would have had to solve a case of five drained J. Does right now."

"I doubt that. I always carry my ID with me."

"Sheldon," Penny sang. "Please be seated," she invited their guest and she frowned at Sheldon who reluctantly sat down. Seeing some patrons look at her table, she smiled at them. After Penny had introduced her friends the second round of drinks arrived.

"Bill," the waitress curtly said. She eyed Penny and her friends as if she tried to find out what they were.

"Good evening Arlene. Sookie requested me to tell you that she will be here in half an hour. Someone killed her cat and I hurried to her when I heard her scream. She wanted to bury her pet before leaving for work."

"Oh my! Poor Tina, who'd do something like that?" Arlene said.

When the shaken waitress had left Bill softly explained that if he hadn't thought his friend Sookie was in danger he'd have waited for them to wake up.

"Penny was there," Howard said.

Bill fingered his bottle. "I'm glad you all made it."

"Thank you for giving us a chance," Penny said.

Howard, Raj and Leonard raised their bottles in salute.

"My – You're welcome."

They all drank except for Sheldon who thoughtfully looked ahead.

"I guess you're right Penny. The vampires at the junk-yard were bullies, all of them. They would have hurt us. And I don't mean putting our heads in a toilet before flushing it. Mr Compton, please accept my apologies for my previous words. You did save our lives so to speak. Though of course if we hadn't been strong enough to survive the transition we wouldn't be here right now."

Looking slightly confused Bill inclined his head.

"You are welcome to spend the day at my house," he said, "It is nearby."

"Thank you, but we'll return to the hotel. I believe none of us has a bathroom with a window, which angered me at first for I myself had certainly asked for one, but it is rather convenient now for it will allow us to escape the sun."

"Weird..." Howard mouthed to Penny.

Bill cleared his throat. "Do you plan to stay at the hotel?"

All but Sheldon realised there was more to Bill's question.

"No, the day after tomorrow we are expected at my mother's place again and from there we'll – Why are you shaking your head Mr Compton?"

"You can't return to your families."

"Oh I see: you didn't drive our rental car over to Bon Temps. Is it still at the junk-yard?"

"Mr Cooper," Bill interrupted. Sheldon raised his hand to silence him.

"It's doctor Cooper. As you should know. I do hope Penny that you still have the car's keys? If you do perhaps Mr Compton will be so kind as to give us -"

With the measured movement of a controlled man getting annoyed Bill placed his empty bottle on the table and interrupted: "Doctor Cooper, this is not about transportation. You can't go home."

"We will go home," Penny said. "Turning us doesn't mean that you can decide for us what to do."

"It does."

"No it doesn't," Sheldon told Bill.

"Well, in books it _is_ mentioned," Leonard remarked.

"So are dragons," Howard curtly commented.

"A maker and his progeny have a bond," Bill said, "The maker guides and the child learns."

"We are adults," Penny said. "We'll drink Tru Blood, sleep the day away and live at night."

"There are all sorts of vampire regulations."

"We're Americans," Leonard said. "We'll obey American regulations."

"And Indian," Raj whispered into Howard's ear.

"You are no longer human," Bill said.

"I thought the Great Revelation was meant to turn vampires human again. In a way," Penny said. "And Nan Flanagan never mentioned vampires sticking to their own rules."

Bill cleared his throat. "They do however. You saw that at the junk-yard."

"They shouldn't," Sheldon replied.

"Yes, well, they do. And I don't want you to accidentally break a rule and be punished for it."

"If you give me the vampire book of laws, I will study it and inform the others about the most pressing issues."

"There is no book of laws."

"Good Lord! Why on earth not?"

"I don't – The thing is: I order, you obey."

"Not wanting to seem rude," Howard said with a boyish smile, "but we already made it clear that that isn't going to work."

Bill went to the counter, paid for the beverages and walked back to the table.

"We have money," Penny said, "You don't have to pay for our -"

"As your maker I command y'all to follow me," Bill interrupted her.

Penny felt as if she was on a lead. She tried to fight it and by the looks of if so did her friends but when she saw their struggling reflections in a window, she gave up.


	3. Chapter 3

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 3

Right after the door of Bill Compton's mansion closed behind them Sheldon told his host that his behaviour had been rude.

"I needed to make my point," the southern vampire said.

"How does it work?" Howard nervously asked. You say 'As your maker I command you' and we become puppets on a string?"  
Bill nodded.

"What if you would have told us to slaughter everyone in the bar?"

"You would have done that."

Seeing the horrified expressions of his children Bill quickly added: "But I assure you, I will never command you to hurt humans."

He gestured toward a spacious and nearly unfurnished living room and invited them to have a seat. "We'll talk about this in a while. First let me get us some drinks. You must still be thirsty."

As Bill walked away the five friends kept standing in the hall, just to make sure that they were indeed free to do as they pleased. Penny gestured her men to look at her and mouthed a message. Howard was the first to understand her. Loudly saying how grand the place looked Penny ushered her busy friends into the living room and then she went in search for Bill Compton. She ended up in the kitchen where the vampire was looking at two microwaves.

"Can I help you?"

"That won't be necessary thank you. It will be ready shortly."

"I guess that's an advantage of being a vampire huh? No need to cook. I don't like to cook. Never did really. Take-out, that's my favourite meal."

"I myself fondly recall my mother's pastries."

"Do you miss not being able to eat them?"

"I was never tempted to eat food after I was turned. No vampire ever is."

"How old are you if you don't mind me asking?"

"The older the vampire," Bill said with a charming smile, "the less it will bother him or her to reveal their age, especially not to vampires who are younger. I became a vampire during the Civil War."

"That long ago? Heh, that means that you don't know how pizza tastes like!"

Bill laughed. "No, I don't."

OoOoOoO

When Penny and Bill, chatting about small country villages, entered the living room the scientists were talking about a plan to make them rich. It involved inventing a sleeping bag that would shield vampires from both sunlight and stake-attacks. When Bill placed bottles of Tru Blood and glasses on the coffee-table, their voices faded away.

"The beverages are warm. Please feel free to drink as much as you need," Bill said.

After they'd finished their first glass, the nerds resumed the thread of the conversation.

"It could be personalized with cool writings," Leonard said. Half jokingly he asked Bill whether part of the profit would go to him.

"If I choose so, you'll have to share, yes."

"I dislike this Mr Compton," Sheldon said.

"So do I," Howard added. "Slavery is abolished in this country."

"The maker-child bond is a fact," Bill said. "It is part of the vampire way of...living."

"If the vampire way is what vampires like Mr Compton," Penny said, "Why did they come out of the coffin?"

"I suggest we call each other by our first names."

They nodded their approval.

"Penny has a point," Howard said. "Why did vampires come out of the coffin? From what we've seen at the junk-yard the average vampire is not a Miss Flanagan."

Bill solemnly nodded. "That is true, unfortunately. But I am sure that in say fifteen years, the vampire community, provided the equal rights movement continues to make progress, will have changed for the better. I do-"

"Were you a lawyer when you were alive Bill?" Sheldon interrupted.

"I was a farmer."  
Bill took advantage of Sheldon eyeing him with amazement to ask them what _they_ had done for a living.

"We are scientists," Leonard replied.

"Except for me," Penny added.

Sheldon snorted. "There's no need to mention that Penny."

"I'm an actress," Penny informed Bill.

"She makes money as a waitress though," Sheldon added, "and barely enough to pay for her own WiFi. Now Raj is an astrophysicist, Leonard is an experimental physicist, Howard is an engineer and I'm a theoretical physicist. The four of us work at Caltech."

Penny expected to see some admiration in Bill's eyes but if anything the vampire looked annoyed. Raj whispered into Howard's ear that Penny, being a vampire now, would really stand out as an actress. With a shy smile the Indian gave Penny the thumbs up.

"Thanks honey!" Penny said. "I will won't I? See Sheldon, that's what friends do: they speak supportive words."

"Giving help, encouragement or sympathy. In this case sympathy, which equals white lie. Though unless the likes of Dame Judi Dench and Glenn Close are going to be turned into vampires, Raj might actually be right. Now Bill, I take it that the _I command_ thing is part of the maker-child bond. How does it work?"

"It is magic," Bill earnestly said.

"Magic!" Sheldon said with contempt. "There is no such thing as that. Either you don't know or you don't want to tell us. Baring in mind your previous remark about guidance I'd say that you don't know."

"Admittedly I do not understand how it works. However: magic _is_ for real."

"Of course," Sheldon replied in a tone of voice as if Bill were a tiny tot. "And when there's a thunderstorm Thor is having fun."

"How do you explain that six harmless words forced you to follow me here?"

"I can't explain that yet," Sheldon said. "But Penny doesn't know how a TV works -to give just _one_ example- and yet she isn't superstitious enough to call a TV a _magic_ machine."

"I save that term for the remote control sweetie."

Sheldon ignored his blonde friend. "The whole vampire thing is so unscientific. Do you think the FBI is on to it? Howard, have you ever heard of NASA doing some secret project called 'red wine' or some other silly nickname that might have to do with vampires, for example 'the bat'? Tell me Mr Compton, Bill, can vampires change into bats? I hope not. It is illogical for a grown man to change into say a forty gram flying mammal. It would set the world of physics upside down."

Before Bill could reply Leonard, eagerly sitting forward on the couch, said: "Do you realize that we have an _eternity_ to find out about _everything_?"

The four scientists dreamily stared into the future. Despite Raj's kind words about her career Penny didn't feel like dreaming. She refilled her glass and studied her friends. When she gasped, Raj followed her gaze. "Sheldon dude, there's a tear of blood on your cheek," he whispered into Howard's ear.

Sheldon wiped his cheek. "Ah!" he exclaimed in disgust when seeing the red moist. "What will my Meemah say of this?"

"You can't tell anyone," Bill said, his southern accent more distinctive than earlier on. "You can't return to your jobs and you can't contact your family -"

"_You_ contacted _your_ family," Leonard said gesturing to the mantle-piece that was decorated with an old framed picture.

"You noticed that did you? That picture was taken _before_ I was turned. My maker forbid me to return to my family and I had to obey."

"When you were turned vampires were creatures from fiction. These days people know that they exist. No big deal," Penny said.

"Are you sure? How would your parents respond to you being a vampire Penny?"

"How do you think they'd respond when I never contacted them again Bill?"

Bill ignored her reply: "You don't know anything about the vampire ways. I will teach you but it will take time."

"Stay out of the sun. Check," Howard said, "Drink Tru Blood. Check. Don't get staked. Check!"  
"We should wear protective clothing!" Raj whispered into Howard's ear. For Bill's benefit he added that he had a selective mutism.

"It's a recognized medical disorder," Howard explained reluctantly. "He can't talk aloud when there are women around who do not belong to his family."

Raj nodded gratefully. Bill stared at the Indian.

"Of course with us having excellent hearing now, there's no point in Raj whispering into Howard's ear but the power of habituation can't be overestimated. I do like his idea though. A protective vest will be another item for Cooper's warehouse."

"Pray tell me: why _Cooper_?" Howard sharply asked.

"Because."

The scientists started bickering. Penny drained her glass and said: "We'll name it WHKC. No discussion."

Her friends repeated the name.

"Yeah," Leonard said. "I like that, it has a good bite."

Grinning he exchanged high fives with Howard and Raj. Penny smiled at Bill who didn't share in the fun. Sheldon took out his phone and after some beeps he said: "Done. Www dot WHKC dot com is ours."

Raj nearly bounced of his seat out of joy.

"Oh look, Gablehouser replied to my message. I informed him about our transformation and I requested him to allow us access to Cal Tech from dusk till dawn."

Bill didn't get a chance to reply for Leonard nervously asked: "What did he say?"

"Two words gentlemen: _great_ and _granted_."

Bill's expression made Penny anxious but despite that she grinned for Gablehouser would probably have opened a bottle of champagne after receiving the message and Sheldon would never understand why.

Sheldon triumphantly told Bill: "Two exclamation marks, so where you got the idea that we can't live our lives is a mystery to me."

"Do you always talk this much?" Bill asked through clenched teeth.

"Not always, but often."

Sheldon smirked and his male friends laughed.

"Oh," Howard said, "that magnificent scene where we first saw her."

"How jealous I was," Sheldon said.

"She should have chosen Picard over Data," Raj whispered in Howard's ear.

Penny, who was pleased to understand what her friends were talking about, agreed with Raj. Bill rose and walked to the fire-place.

"Oh really Penny, Data is more artificial than the queen herself and yet through his emotion-chip he is also human. He's her perfect match."

"But they don't have sex appeal," Penny countered. Raj enthusiastically nodded. Bill stared at his long gone family.

"Much as I appreciate Jean-Luc Picard," Sheldon said, "I object to the idea that _sex appeal_ is needed to fund a relationship. _You_ will probably think differently Penny, since your relationships are based on sex only."

Penny was offended by Sheldon's words but mostly because he'd uttered them in the presence of a relative stranger. Bill however didn't seem to have paid attention to Sheldon. He turned toward them and said: "You think you know how to be a vampire but you don't. So far you didn't hurt anyone. What if you _do_ attack someone? A relative for instance? Thanks to the maker-child bond I will be able to stop you from hurting people."

"Unless your friend Sookie is in trouble at the same moment," Sheldon remarked.

Howard shook his head in warning and Raj and Leonard cautiously looked at Bill, who seemed both irritated and ashamed by Sheldon's words.

"We passed the first tests," Penny quickly said, "If you wouldn't have gotten us Tru Blood I would have hunted down small animals to drink."

"Oh would you Penny? Thank you. Killing and sucking is too primitive for my taste." Sheldon ended his line with a shiver. "I'd better make sure I have a folding goblet with me."

"Item number three!" Raj said through Howard.

"I doubt _that's_ going to be a best-seller," Howard commented. "Say, how did _you_ live before Tru Blood Bill?"

"Those were different times," Bill said. "Most vampires considered humans to be blood bags."

"From what I saw yesterday," Sheldon remarked, "they still do. One would hope that with vampires having prolonged life spans they'd come up with more civilized rules. Was mainstreaming ordered from above?"

"It was funded from above yes. Now -"

"How does vampire hierarchy work? If you plan to teach us about your ways, the social network seems to be an good point to begin with. Let me ask a specific question: provided that your maker is alive, will he or she be able to command us or to command you to command us to hurt people?"

"She can't do that anymore."

"That is something. How long do vampires tend to live?"

Bill didn't reply instantly and Sheldon, unaware that his host was telling himself to remain calm, helpfully mentioned that while Bill was investigating for his database he must have learned that some of his acquintance had met the true death. "And if you were familiar with their vampire-age when you met them -"

"This brings me to why you accessed my database."

"- you must be able to come up with an average age. The research group may be limited but it could offer a clue," Sheldon quickly finished his line. "And I told you before: I did it because I could."

"He wanted to know whether any of his heroes were turned," Leonard volunteered.

"How did you know it was Sheldon who broke into your database?" Howard asked.

"Because afterwards he transferred the proceeds to me."

Seeing the expressions of Sheldon's friends, Bill deliberately added: "With a message saying _I will not tell anyone. Regards, doctor Cooper._"

Leonard, out of habit, searched his pockets for his inhalor. Penny was lost for words but Howard exploded: "You utter fool! Sick jerk!" He rose to his feet and so did Raj, whether it was to stop Howard from attacking Sheldon or to aid him.

"Howard!" Sheldon said in amazement. "You have fangs!"

Howard touched his teeth with his tongue. Wide-eyed he stumbled backwards to the couch.

Sheldon tried to bring out his own fangs. He moved the muscles around his mouth and nose but nothing happened. Raj and Leonard bested their brilliant friend and flashed to a window to admire themselves.

"Penny?" Sheldon said.

"Just like this," she said and she briefly showed him her fangs.

"Like what? You just _will_ them to get out?"

Sheldon again made funny faces.

"Don't worry," Penny said reassuringly. "It will come."

She squatted in front of Howard, who sat forward with his elbows on his knees. Behind her back Leonard gleefully told Sheldon: "Because of you we are now vampires and we're better at it than you are!"

"I doubt that," Sheldon replied with a slight quiver in his voice, "In the present time it is not necessary to have fangs for blood comes in a bottle. Showing control is more appreciated these days. I dare you to drink Tru Blood with your fangs extracted."

Howard looked up and Penny caught his eye.

"I didn't mean to show _fangs_," Howard said. "I – I just... That man!"

"No need to explain. You'd better make him a protective vest really quickly."

Howard shrugged. "We're freaks Penny," he said in a barely audible voice.

"Sit!" Bill thundered.

Leonard, who was just about to accept Sheldon's challenge, nearly dropped his glass. Raj made a small sound that reminded Penny of a scared puppy. He dropped himself to the floor. Sheldon was about to question Bill but Penny shook her head at him. Sheldon huffed but he remained silent.

"We are not freaks," Bill said in a low voice, "We are vampires. I will teach you to behave as vampires. To make it easier for you, you can't contact your family. As your maker -"

The five friends moaned.

" - I command you not to contact your family and to hand me your i-phones."

OoOoOoO

By Bill's command they had rested themselves on the earth in what Bill had referred to as 'the basement'.

"I am sorry that I can't offer you a more comfortable place yet. I will now check on Sookie and then I'll join you," Bill said before closing the hatch above them.

They heard him lock the front door and leave.

"Great," Penny said.

"Really Penny? If I may remind you, we are sleeping on _dirt_. There may be _rats_ here."

"And spiders as well. _Regards doctor Cooper_," Howard said.

Leonard who was afraid being where he was scolded Sheldon for his database blunder. He got so agitated that he sat up and hurt his head. Penny pinched herself when she smelled his blood. Fortunately Leonard's scratch healed within seconds.

"Will you still call me names in say sixty years when our generation will have died?"

It was silent for a moment.

"You have a point," Leonard admitted.

"I always do."

"Don't you _dare_ pretend that this was what you had in mind!"

"Did you guys manage to text your family?" Penny asked to prevent another fight.

Her friends confirmed that they had.

"Smart move Penny," Howard said.

"I have my moments."

The following silence was broken by the sound of tiny feet running nearby, tiny hearts beating rapidly and other sounds that were harder to identify. When she'd been in Bill's living room, Penny had heard unfamiliar noises also, but right now she didn't have any distraction and she was glad when Sheldon started talking.

"I feel very uncomfortable about going into vampire sleep."

To her right Penny felt Raj shiver. She grabbed his hand to comfort him. It felt rather good, even though his skin was cold.

"It's going to be fine," Penny stated.

"That's -"

"How it will be. This first night may be a bit weird for us, but soon we won't know any better. I mean guys, did we ever worry about sleeping? No. This will be the same."

From the decreasing pressure on her right hand Penny concluded that Raj was 'out'.

"Good night guys," Penny said.

No one replied but Sheldon. "That phrase is not appropriate anymore Penny."

"You call a mouse a mouse even if it wireless, don't you?"

"That is a surprisingly well chosen example. I suppose 'good night' will suffice."

Penny blinked.

"If there is a real life mouse or some other creepy creature running over me, you will get rid of it, won't you?"

Penny made a confirming sound.

"Penny?"

"Sheldon?"

"Bill took our phones so we won't get a wake-up call."

"Bill will notify us and tomorrow you can set your watch."

"I suppose. Still he shouldn't have taken our phones. I hope he'll allow us to go to the motel tomorrow. I need a shower and clean clothes. Do you think our families will support us? I may not be a family-man, but I find it a bit unsettling to think that they might not want to see me again. It doesn't seem logical to feel that way."

"Mr Spock cared for his relatives and his friends, didn't he?"

"Yes he did," Sheldon said. He sounded relieved.

Penny was very aware of where and what she was. For some reason she felt connected to that mythical guy, Sisyphus.

"Do you hear that?" she chatted, hoping Sheldon was still awake. "It seems as if someone is playing a very tiny harp."

"Of course I hear that. My guess is that a spider is making a web."

"No!"

"That or Bill has a musical house-fairy. A real life Dobby, that would be the thing. You know, there's so much to discover about being a vampire. I think that so far no vampire bothered to study their own nature. Of course I won't _focus_ on the subject: vampires can't compete with the galaxy and the universe. I look forward to have Caltech to myself. No Winkle, no Gablehauser: peace and quiet. Note to self: make sure a Tru Blood machine is being installed."

One person's universe is the other person's Cheesecake Factory, Penny thought. Well, when a customer gets nasty I can flash my fangs at him. She let go of Raj's hand and turned to her left side.

Sheldon, sensing that she had moved, wondered aloud whether they weren't supposed to sleep flat on their backs.

"I'm not a corpse," Penny replied.

"Tech-"

"Shut up."

It was silent for a moment. Then: "On the subject of being dead-ish or on any subject?"

Penny didn't reply.

"I have learned that when people don't answer a perfectly clear question, they might do so out of anger. Are you angry with me Penny?"

Penny wanted to tell her friend that she was scared and sad but he wouldn't understand. And if he did, he wouldn't reply in a helpful way.

"No I'm not sweetie."

Sheldon sighed. "Penny? I know I'm not sick, but ..."

Penny blinked. Perhaps he _did_ understand. "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, pur pur pur," she softly sang.

Sheldon went out. Penny felt a tear tickling its way down. Then there was blackness.

OoOoOoO

Missy Cooper entered the kitchen to find her mother pouring herself some coffee. Mary looked tired.

"Good morning. Didn't you sleep well?"

Mary yawned.

"Your twin texted me in the middle of the night."

"Is Shelly allright?"

Mary handed her daughter her phone.

"'Mr Bill Compton from Bon Temps turned us into vampires'," Missy read aloud.

"Can you believe that? In the middle of the night!"

Missy grinned. "Wouldn't have been believable had he texted you during the day."

"Don't make fun of it. Sheldon knows that I have difficulty falling asleep. I just called him to scold him but he didn't answer."

"Of course not: that would ruin the joke. I mean the sun is up right? Shut off your phone tonight mama. After sunset that wack-a-doodle is gonna text 'Bazinga!'"


	4. Chapter 4

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 4

Looking over his shoulder to the car's back seat Sheldon asked Leonard whether he would consider an experiment.

Leonard shrugged. "Like?"

"Drink from a person who only drank milk for a week or so. It would be ever so interesting to see whether your lactose intolerance survived your transition."

"You can't drink from humans," Bill said.

"Eyes on the road please. We may be immortal but that does not mean that we are unbreakable. To reply to your remark: this is about science Bill. And besides, as long as the human is willing, I don't see what's wrong with it. I mean _I _wouldn't do it for it is unhygienic but Leonard is a common man who doesn't mind physical contact with other humans."

Leonard sighed.

"Isn't it remarkable that even vampires sigh? The mental need to do so seems to be hard-coded in our brain."

"You must allow Leonard some credit for his sighing Sheldon. He is after all around you," Penny said. Raj, sitting next to her, giggled.

"And he sighs out of contentment because of it," Sheldon replied with a regal nod, "He is indeed lucky to know me."

"Aren't we all?"

"Thank you Howard. Still: it seems unnessecary for a vampire to sigh. But than Leonard is a man who does many redundant things and sighing is one of them."

"He is like this all the time," Leonard told Bill's back.

"Of course I am. Brilliance can't be switched off like a light bulb."

Bill cursed under his breath which stopped Penny from replaying the scene in their motel, where the owner had looked at them in a mixture of fear and disgust.

"What is it Bill?" she asked but even before she'd finished her line she saw the stop sign of a police car.

"Alcohol control probably," Bill said, "Behave."

He locked the doors before pulling the car to a stop and lowering his window. A policeman with a face that reminded Penny of a Pug shone his flashlight into Bill's face and wearily greeted the vampire.

"No need to ask you to blow, right Mr Compton?" he said with the appearance of good-humour.

"That's right detective Bellefleur."

The policeman checked Bill's companions. "You know that this man is a vampire?" he asked Penny.

She smiled at him in appreciation for his warning. "Yes I do. He is our maker."

"Maker?"

"He killed us and then he turned us into vampires," Sheldon explained.

Bellefleur looked at Bill. "You killed them?"

"That's what I just told you," Sheldon said. "Don't worry, we won't press charges. Although that would make for an interesting legal case. It would be similar to cases where parents demand money after having a baby ten months after the mother was sterilized. They'll say they love the child but they want the costs of the upbringing to be paid for by the failing surgeon."

The policeman looked at Sheldon incomprehensibly.

"The detective has a lot to do and we're keeping him from that now Sheldon."

"This is a desolate country road Penny. I'm sure the detective welcomes the chance to learn something."

Sheldon waited for the policeman to confirm this but the man just stared at him blankly. Just when Bill was about to speak Sheldon said: "Detective, if I may, were your parents related?"

"Uhm. Well, to me. Yes."

"That's what I thought. Thank you."

"Would that be all detective?" Bill said. His knockles turned white from grabbing the steering wheel.

Bellefleur kept looking at Sheldon and his expression changed as if realization of what Sheldon had said hit him. The moment passed though and he sternly ordered Bill to open his trunk. Bill obliged and the policeman walked to the back of the car. Penny heard a zipper being opened. It didn't take long ere the trunk was closed and the policeman returned to Bill's side. Penny held her pink string and matching bra responsible for the man's coloured cheeks. "Didn't see a warning triangle," Bellefleur told Bill. "And if you're gonna drive with these people more often, you'll need to buy them safety vests."

"I will officer, thank you," Bill pleasantly said. Once they were driving again his tone of voice changed: "I'm trying to fit in. I will not have you insult my townsmen."

"Did I miss something? Was Penny insulting that policeman?"

"_You_ suggested that he's the product of an incestuous affair," Howard pointed out.

"Why, isn't he Bill?"

"No Sheldon. He isn't."

"Can you smell that in his blood? I sensed his blood flowing through his veins -"

Raj moaned. Through Sheldon's talk about remote villages and closely related spouses, Penny said: "Do you think you could make us lollipops from Tru Blood Raj?" Raj's eyes brightened and he nodded eagerly.

"Great," Penny said. "May I assist you with that honey?"

OoOoOoO

Bill only stopped at his house to allow his children to get their luggage out. He told them he'd go to Sookie's to pick up the items he'd asked her to buy for him. With his four male children looking at the sky and Sheldon thinking aloud that he wanted to be the first vampire to write about the milky way, Bill handed Penny the key to the front door and drove away.

Penny found the door opened a crack. Her first thought was about burglers, followed by picturing the creepy Magister visiting Bill and then by the horrible awareness that her body didn't scream 'danger!'. She glanced over her shoulder to see whether her friends had noticed her hesitation on entering the house but they were obsessed by the stars. She briefly wondered whether she'd inform them about the break-in but when she pictured their response she shrugged and pushed the door open. She softly placed her bags on the floor and tip-toed to the living room. The tall blond vampire she'd seen at the Tribunal had draped himself on Bill's sofa. On the coffee-table stood several bottles of Tru-blood.

"You must be a friend of Bill's to make yourself so comfortable," she said. She meant to criticize him but she didn't want to anger him so she added: "Pleased to meet you, I'm Penny," in a way that was meant to make him think that she was cute. The vampire gave her a look countless men had given her. Never before though had an admirer reminded Penny of a lion observing a zebra. _You're not a zebra_, she told herself. _You're a lioness._ Her tongue moved over the tips of her cutting-teeth. The tall vampire suddenly stood before her.

"Hello Penny. I'm Eric Northman, sheriff of this district. I dropped by to hand Bill a present on his becoming a maker." He lifted her hand to his lips and in a tone of voice that spoke of roses, candlelight and black satin sheets he added: "I am pleased to see that you made the transition. I had not expected otherwise though."

Penny, hoping she wasn't blushing, copied his smile. "We all made it."

"They did? The nervous guy and the crying man too?"

"Yep. They're outside. Looking at the sky. Shall we go and get them?"

Turning her back to Eric's amused expression, she walked to the doorway and called out to her friends. Eric stood next to her, a bit too close for comfort. "They are really smart," Penny felt obliged to say as they watched the four grown men merrily throw their bags high into the air.

OoOoOoO

"It's a shame you didn't come along," Eric told Pam who stood behind him, "It was entertaining. And you so adore baby-vamps."

"About as much as I adore being silvered."

Eric, seated in his throne-like chair in his nightclub, smirked.

"You should have seen Compton with his offspring," he said while casting his eyes over the dancing crowd.

"Proud daddy?"

"I don't think he realizes what he got himself into," Eric said with a satisfied grin. "By the way, I brought his daughter along to be our bartender."

Pam raised an eyebrow. "That must have annoyed her maker."

"You think so?" Eric said with a smirk. "She's in my office, changing into a corset. Maybe you could check on her? Make her feel welcome."

Despite the smile she heard in Eric's voice, Pam felt obliged to make a small sound to indicate that making people feel welcome was the last thing she cared for.

OoOoOoO

Penny looked down at her Fangtasia 'uniform'. It made the Cheesecake Factory's outfit with its emphasis on the bossom seem modest.

The door was opened as if it had offended someone.

"Good. You look appetizing," the someone said, "You'll get lots of tips."

Penny recognized the blonde vampire, whose cool voice matched her appearance.

"I look like a tart," she replied.

"A pretty tart. I'm Pam. I'll be bossing you around. Side car."

Penny stared at Pam for a moment and then said: "Orange liqueur, brandy, lemon juice."

"Mojito."

"Rum, club soda, lime, mint leaves, sugar, crushed ice."

"Well, that's something," Pam said while turning her back at Penny, "Come. I'll show you your challenging workspot."

OoOoOoOo

"Have you ever seen a duck defend her ducklings against far larger animals?" Sheldon asked Bill. Without waiting for a reply he continued: "She won't let anyone smash them against a wall."

"Eric too told you to stop talking."

"And who is Eric, apart from being a so called sheriff, that he can stop me? As a result of his action there's a hole in your wall now. I'm sure that if it wasn't for my vampiric strenght, I would have a severe concussion as well as several broken limps."

"You egocentric prick," Howard said. "First of all: you had it coming, secondly: _you _weren't forced to work for a vampire Viking. And why the hell did you tell Eric that Penny is a bartender?"

"Being a waitress and a failed actress is not up to much, is it? I wanted to make her seem more valuable."

"Well chapeau!" Howard said.

"She really is going to be working in the bar, isn't she? She won't have to do other things in that nightclub of his, right?"

"No she won't Rajesh," Bill said.

"I will not be able to sleep at night – at day – when Penny is not there to hold my hand."

"Are you and Penny together Rajesh?"

"No they're not!" Leonard cried out.

"Don't let Leonard's reaction fool you into thinking that he and Penny are a couple Bill. He dreams of that to happen but such a relationship would be doomed. Leonard is neither tall nor muscled and though he went to Princeton he is hardly the type of dumb man Penny tends to sleep with."

"Thank you Sheldon!"

"You're welcome Leonard. And for the record: I am not worried about Penny. She is a tough Nebraskan and I pity the man she gets angry with."

"Remember Kurt," Raj said.

"Of course I remember Kurt. It was hard for Penny to fight against her better judgement in his case but I dare say that socializing with us taught her that his type of man is to be ignored. Which brings me back to big bully Eric Northman."

Bill again explained how powerful Eric Northman was and that he was sure that by taking Penny with him Eric had merely wanted to show that he was in control. When he was done talking his sons started commenting.

OoOoOoO

After handling the administration of his Vampire Database Bill went to the Amazon site. He ordered flasks for his children for after their car-ride Penny had suggested that it might be wise if they all carried Tru Blood with them. After making the purchase his fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment but then he gave in to his whim. He selected the book section and typed: 'How to be a maker?' Titles about rainmakers and changemakers showed. He deleted the last three words of his search string and added 'raise a vampire-baby?' Wild child, perfect dog, adult. 'Parenting for vampires' resulted in _Energy vampires: How to deal with negative people_.

Bill recalled how drained he and Caroline had felt after spending their first night as a family. Their baby had cried for hours and when she'd been quiet, he'd stayed awake in fear that something was wrong with her. Yet everyone who'd come to welcome little Sarah had assured them that they too had had sleepless nights and felt anxious about how to handle their newborns. With a combination of instinct and wisdom gathered from other parents Bill and Caroline had done just fine. Being a father once again Bill didn't plan to ask fellow-makers for advice. "Teach them to obey, glamour and drain," he whispered mockingly. He shut off his computer and took two trays of Tru Blood from the kitchen. At the entrance to the basement he listened for a moment and when he didn't hear voices he opened the hatch and entered his hiding place.

The empty mattress between Rajesh and Sheldon made him feel bad about his parental skills all over again despite the fact that fighting over Penny would have been a foolish thing to do. Still: for now he could not claim to be a protective parent and he also blamed himself for being authorative. After Eric's visit he'd issued orders and he'd used the 'I command you' – line twice to make Sheldon obey him. Hell: he'd even sent him to bed an hour before sunrise. Bill looked at his sons. Howard had not spoken a lot today except to urge him to find out how Penny was doing. His hands were curled into fists and Bill regretted not having spoken about Howard's 'we are freaks' remark.

_Tomorrow_, Bill said to himself, _I'll ask them how they feel about being vampires_. He was quite sure that Leonard welcomed his new abilities for he had been testing his strenght all night long. Bill worried that it wasn't because he loved being strong but because he wanted to challenge Eric. He sighed and turned his vamperic eyes to Rajesh, who proved to be more passionate about interior decoration than Bill cared for. Apart from being very talkative Rajesh also liked to add fuel to a fire which had increased the bickering among his friends. He now peacefully rested on his side holding the teddybear Eric had brought as a gift. Bill was glad the Viking couldn't see the unnerving picture, just as he was grateful for the fact that Eric didn't know that Sheldon was unable to flash his fangs. At least doctor Cooper spent the day like a vampire from fiction: he lay flat on his back with his arms crossed over his chest. Bill hoped that he didn't expect to be stabbed by his new family and yet he could cleary see it happening. His resentment against his son shamed him for it was partly based on injured pride. He recalled something Penny had said: "Sheldon's nice. And when he isn't, I just see him as a big moving jaw."

A corner of Bill's lips turned upwards and he closed his eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 5

Penny longed for Bill's basement the moment she saw the sleeping arrangements at Fangtasia's.

"That's mine, that's Eric's," Pam said. "You can choose any other one."

Penny chose the one nearest. Bill's basement no longer seemed restricted and primitive to her despite the fact that her new hiding place was upholstered with a satin-like fabric. She sat in the cheap coffin and kept her face blank.  
"Nice isn't it?" Pam said. "It closes and opens from the inside."

Pam somehow didn't merely communicate information but also the command to lie down.

"Great," Penny said. Pam raised an eyebrow. _If this were a tv-show_, Penny thought, _what would the heroine say?_

"Sweet dreams Pam."

Penny thought she saw approval in her boss's eyes. She closed the lid and locked it.

Fuck, she mouthed. Fuck fuck fuckerdifuck. She recalled a character from a book who got turned into a vampire by her own son and who would rather dug a hole in the earth to sleep in than to rest in a coffin. _I totally understand her now. What was her name? Something French. Antoinette? Amelie? I'm NOT a cor- Shut up! Think nice things. Rainbows on roses? Something with white sashes? _She was distracted from recalling the lines from the _Sound of Music_ song when she heard a voice.

"Did you tuck Penny in?"

Pam made no audible reply.

"From what I could see she run the bar smoothly," Eric said.

"She was sufficient."

"Would you like to keep her?"

"I think she's good for business," Pam said.

"She reminds me of Sookie somehow."

"Bill's baby would be a better choice for you than his bird."

Eric sniggered. "Jealous my dear?"

"You're a thousand years old and yet you wag your tail the moment Sookie appears. It's sad."

Penny bit her cheeks for Pam had mocked the sultry way Bill pronounced his friend's name. Eric didn't recognize the humour of it and he told Pam to shut up. Penny got an idea.

OoOoOoO

"I'd like to compliment you on the way you're serving today's first Tru Blood Raj," Sheldon told his friend between two spoons of Tru Blood. "It really gives one the idea of having breakfast."

Raj's friends nodded their agreement and the Indian smiled happily before turning serious and addressing Bill: "You really need to get more china. The bowls don't match and they are all different sizes, you don't have enough spoons and I'm not even mentioning the lack of place-mats. And I would prefer to heat our breakfast in a pan. Perhaps I could even make it look like pancakes or scrumbled egg. We have shopping to do Bill."

"We will get to that. First I'd like you to know that I just contacted Eric. He informed me that Penny is doing fine."

The men, who'd been wondering among themselves how their friend was doing, were happy and relieved to hear it.

"Will he allow her to return here?"

"We need to be patient Howard."

Bill expected his sons to comment but after glancing at each other they continued to eat. When they'd emptied their bowls and sat back in their chairs Bill, who wanted to have a father-son talk, first asked them whether they were still hungry.

They replied negatively.

"Good. And remember: never leave the house without a filled flask."

"It's such a good idea, I can barely believe that Penny came up with it. As you can see I've been so kind to rinse all flasks," Sheldon said, gesturing toward the sink.

"Is Tru Blood low on calories?"

"I don't know Raj. But it doesn't matter: you're not going to gain weight."

"Will we be able to lose weight? I ate a lot of Mrs Cooper's cake during our vacation and it shows. Now that I'm a vampire, I'd prefer to be a dashing one."

"How do y'all feel about being vampires?" Bill asked, glad to be back on track.

"I love it," Leonard said with a boyish grin. "I feel confident."

Bill smiled. "I'm glad for that Leonard. But as Sheldon pointed out yesternight, we are not unbreakable and in fact nor are we immortal in the sense that we can't be killed. Please don't be reckless. Now is there anything about being a vampire you worry about?"

Raj pleasantly nodded. "I'm OK," he said.

"OK?" Howard repeated. "How can you say that? Even the fact that we don't breath makes me sick, except check this out: I can't throw up anymore can I?"

"Did you take pleasure in your ability to breath or to throw up?"

"No Sheldon. But I don't expect you to understand me."

"Oh good. I must say that I find the utter lack of bodily functions rather pleasant and fit for a Homo Novus such as myself."

"We don't have a complete lack of bodily functions you know," Raj pointed out. He grinned mischievously.

"Yeah!" Leonard added.

"What do you mean? Do you refer to our fully functioning brains? Or to the fact that we must drink?"

"They refer to sex," Howard said indifferently.

Raj and Leonard nodded.

"Is it true that vampires have coitus?" Sheldon asked Bill.

"Yes it is," Bill said a moment later than he would have had Sheldon simply said 'sex'. Glad to be the one talking again, Bill continued: "Regarding what Howard said earlier -"

"Hold on," Sheldon interrupted him. "Assuming that they are unable to produce offspring through intercourse it is illogical for vampires to mate."

Bill sighed which made a feeble smile appear on Howard's face.

"Vampires are sterile. That does not mean that they find making love unpleasant."

"What a shame."

"It can't be a surprise to you," Raj said, "In _Dracula_ the count had lovers."

"You're a scientist. Don't refer to fiction to make a point."

"I once met a vampire," Bill said, "who claimed to have inspired Bram Stoker to write the story."

"I'm not surprised," Sheldon coldly remarked. "But it still doesn't explain the fact that vampires aren't free of primitive urges."

"Drinking blood _isn't_ primitive?"

"Not when it comes out of a bottle Howard."

Bill raised his hand to silence Sheldon. "Do you still feel as if you're abnormal?" he asked Howard. The engineer toyed with his spoon.

"Actually he didn't say 'abnormal'. He used the term 'freaks'."

"We aren't normal," Howard said.

Bill hoped he was going to say the right thing: "I suppose that among vampires we aren't normal, you're right about that."

Howard looked up. Having caught his attention, Bill continued: "Like you I was turned against my will. After the Civil War I was on my way home when I came along a woman who lived all alone. Her name is Lorena. Because I didn't try to violate her, like so many other men had done, she reasoned that I'd be a good companion. She made me into one of her kind."

Sheldon wanted to comment, but Raj, who blinked hard at hearing the pain in Bill's voice, placed his hand on his friend's arm to stop him. Sheldon withdrew his arm but he got the message.

"Some vampires," Bill said, "and there aren't many of them, only drink animal blood. It is telling that in our society they are looked down on. My maker hunted humans only and she ordered me to do so too. She never allowed her victims to survive. Now I had been a soldier and as such I had killed men. Having to kill humans as if they were prey filled me with self-hatred."

Bill was grateful that his townsmen didn't know every bloody detail of his past life. If they did he'd be a monster to them and his ambition to become a part of their community would be out of his reach. To his sons he owed the truth though.

"It shames me that this didn't stop me from doing it still. There was something addictive in hearing the frantic heartbeat of people who feared me."

Raj wiped his cheeks.

"That is what frightens me the most," Howard softly said, "Losing control and hurting people. If it wasn't for the command you gave us yesterday not to feed of humans, who knows what I'd do."

Bill looked at his other sons. "Do you feel that way too?"

Sheldon haughtily stared at Bill but Leonard and Raj sheepishly nodded.

"You must give yourselves credit: remember how you acted when you first rose. I was impressed by the restraint you showed."

Howard shrugged but Bill saw that he was pleased and his brothers' smiles ranged from shy to smug. Seeing that Sheldon was about to speak, Bill said: "The command I gave you is meant to help you continue to do the right thing. I know it's not easy to resist the call of a human heart."

"I don't see what is so irresistable about it. My urge to feed is not very different from what it was before and I'm thrilled to have a synthetic drink that supplies to all my needs. Apart from that drinking from living creatures -"

"Isn't hygienic," Bill dryly finished his line.

Sheldon looked at him approvingly and then questioned his giggling friends. "Leonard, Raj, I don't understand the laughter."

Bill, feeling pleased with the way he'd handled things, patiently let the merriment die away.

"You are vampires now," he then said while looking at Howard in particular. "It's the way it is. And it is our _behaviour_ that will classify us as freaks. Nothing else."

OoOoOoO

Penny opened her eyes, saw the lid of her coffin, unlocked it with trembling fingers and threw it open.

Someone cried out. Smelling the delicious scent of breakfast Penny jumped out of her hiding place. A skinny woman who touched a small bleeding wound on her forehead shrieked like a bansee. Penny liked to think that the human sound of it was what stopped her from putting an end to the noise. Her mouth was watering tough and when she closed it she noticed to her dismall that her fangs were out. She withdrew them and took a few steps backwards.

"Hi! I'm Penny. You must be Ginger. Pam told me that you're her day-person?"

Ginger became silent and now resembled a deer staring at the headlights of a car.

"Yes she is. Say 'hello' Ginger," Pam, who had appeared half-way the stairs, prompted.

Ginger exhaled. "Hello."

"Explain the wound," Pam said while walking down the stairs.

"I stood next to that coffin when she opened it. Didn't even know she was here. I stumbled and I hit the wall."

"Close the wound Penny."

"Like how?"

"Vampire blood has healing qualities," Pam said. She stood next to Penny and gestured Ginger to stand before them. The woman obeyed. Penny pressed her nails into the palms of her hands.

"Do I have to spell things out? Vampire blood. Healing."

Seeing that Pam wasn't going to do anything other than looking annoyed, Penny willed her fangs out. Fighting her reluctance she bit her own wrist. The liquid danced on the tip of her tongue. She glanced at Pam, who offered no comment. Reasoning that so far she hadn't done anything wrong, she dipped her finger in her blood. Moving her hand slowly so Ginger would have the chance to object, she smeared some of her blood on the woman's scratch and sucked the rest away.

"Aren't you a natural," Pam said emotionless when the blood did its magic.

Ginger touched her smooth forehead. "Thanks Penny."

"I can see that the two of you are going to be best friends. You're with me Penny."

Penny, who felt as if she'd won a race through muddy ditches, followed Pam into the club and took her stand behind the bar where she warmed three bottles of Tru Blood. Pam walked over to Eric and the two of them talked in a foreign language. Penny squatted to check the supply of ice and when she straightened up Eric had seated himself on a bar-stool. She offered him a bottle and he accepted it with a nod.

"I heard what happened. I told Pam about the command Bill gave before you left. Typically Bill. When a human is willing... there's nothing like it." Eric gave Penny a sly smile.

"I wouldn't want to drink from people," Penny said looking at Eric's chest rather than his face. Recalling the plan she'd come up with she added: "I'm glad Bill is such a fine gentleman."

OoOoOoO

"I wonder if there ever are coupons for Tru Blood," Leonard said while he and Bill loaded a shopping-cart with trays of the synthetic stuff.

"Maybe around Halloween," Raj commented. His cart held kitchen utensils and items no vampire would ever need.

"Raj. What's all that?"

"If you want to be part of the community, you should invite people to your place. Drink, chat, entertain?"

Bill turned statue-like but only for a moment. "The karaoke set and the ice-making machine are no-go's." After another look at the cart he stiffly added: "The other items can stay. Thank you."

"You're welcome Bill."

"Howard, Sheldon. No mosquito is going to bite you. You don't need a mosquito-net."

"We'll pay for it ourselves of course. It's just to make sure we won't wake up with crawly creatures covering us. Penny isn't around to get rid of them."

"All right, by all means buy them Sheldon. What about those white-boards?"

"We are scientists Bill."

Bill's expression showed incomprehension. Sheldon eyed the ceiling and left it to Howard to explain that they needed white-boards to note down equations.

"But you're on holiday," Bill said and as the words escaped him he knew that it wasn't the right reply.

"Oh Newton! A great mind never takes a holiday," Sheldon started, "Which 'reminds' me: next week we are expected back at CalTech and Penny should show up at the Cheesecake Factory."

"We will discuss this at home. Are you done shopping?"

"Home sounds fine. We would like to return home just as much as you did when you found yourself in our situation. To reply to your question: I've ticked off all the items on my list."

"Young man, you're blocking the isle," a woman said. She resembled a concrete wall covered in flowers. When she spotted Bill she added: "Oh hello Mr Compton."

"Mrs Fortenberry," Bill replied. Unlike the woman he smiled kindly. "We were just on our way to the cash point." He briefly inclined his head by way of a greeting and lead the way toward the exit. Leonard followed with the Tru Blood cart and after a few steps they rounded a corner and disappeared from sight. Mrs Fortenberry didn't take advantage of the clearing of the traffic jam: she angrily eyed Sheldon who stared at her groceries in amazement.

"Is something wrong young man?"

"Well, since you ask. You have two boxes of fiber based food that is supposed to make its user lose weight. It is commendable that you give it a try, provided that this is for your personal usage, for your BMI is certainly off charts, however, most of your cart contains the kind of food that is high on sugar and definitely not low-fat."

Red spots appeared on Mrs Fortenberry's neck and her eyes turned into slits. In his hurry to leave Raj accidentally bumped her cart several times. He whimpered and hasted out of sight.

"This country is plagued!" the lady cried out. "Vampire Bill surely found interesting companions: a dwarf, someone who comes to steal our jobs, an idiot and -"

She looked at Howard to come up with an appropriate insult.

"A Jew," Howard suggested with a charming smile.

Mrs Fortenberry tensed for a moment and then said: "I was going to say someone with a really bad haircut! Now get out of my way!"

Walking to the cash-point Sheldon contemplated on what Mrs Fortenberry had said. "The inconsistencies in her diet already showed that she isn't very bright but how she can believe me to apply for a hill-billy job is beyond me."

Howard smirked and pushed the cart with some of his old flair.

OoOoOoO

The club was crowded and Penny worked hard. When on occassion there was no one thirsty enough to make it to the bar, Penny found herself observing the crowd. Eric caught everyone's attention and some people seemed content to simply watch his every move, awe written on their features. Even visiting vampires looked at Eric with respect.

While wiping the counter with a wet cloth, Penny recalled Miss Vandyk, a regular customer at the Cheesecake Factory, who was in her eighties and could still marvel at the way particles of dust whirled round in the sunlight. In contrast Eric looked bored and haughtily. Penny wondered whether all vampires ended up like that. She wrung out the cloth as if it had wronged her and was glad to see a new customer seat himself on a barstool. He asked for an import pilsner and turned to look at the dance floor but he politely faced Penny when she placed a glass and a bottle of Heineken on the counter.

"You're a proper bartender," he said with a grin, "You know that a glass should be rinsed. Are you gonna dance too?"

Penny looked at the professional who was making the kind of movements that fitted the venue. "I certainly hope not," she said.

"Good for you," the man replied and in a whisper that was meant to be overheard he added: "Too bad for me."

A young man dressed in black leather and dramatic make-up demanded Penny's attention. She prefered it when her customers were dressed in jeans, a shirt and a sensible piece of silver jewelry rather than in outfits that had _vampire snack _written all over them. The man ordered a Bloody Mary and a Tru Blood. Penny prepared the drinks and when she handed them to him she carefully avoided touching him out of fear that he'd realize that she was what she was. Unlike other customers the goth took note of it and said: "Relax, I'm not a vampire. You're new here huh?"

Eyes sparkling Penny confirmed that it was only her second night.

Eric flashed toward the bar and asked for an O-pos. "I thought you'd like to know that Bill called to ask me how you're doing."

"Oh! That's is so sweet of him!"

Penny still smiled dreamily when she gave Eric his warm Tru Blood.

"Say Eric, do you happen to know... Is Bill seeing anyone?"

The Viking looked at her shrewdly. "Not that I know Penny."

Penny's smile got a promotion. Eric took a sip, ignored the goth who looked up at him in worship and left to occupy his throne again.

"Do you belong to The Ancient One?" the goth asked.

Penny could hear the capitals and their use annoyed her but her negative reply sounded pleasant and it surely made Mr Goth happy.

"Great. Maybe he'll want my girl or me."

Mr Pilsner winked at Penny and after the young man had left, he said: "They are so needy, aren't they? What's so dashing about vampires?"

Penny just shrugged and smiled. The man asked for another pilsner and offered to buy her a drink as well.

"Beer, wine?" he suggested.

Penny opted for: "I can't drink while I work."

"What about a virgin sunrise? That's appropriate in a place like this isn't it?"

"It would be, but we're not allowed to accept drinks," Penny lied with a smile that didn't give away that she scolded herself for having taken sunsets for granted.

OoOoOoO

Sheldon left it to Howard to wait in line and he sauntered outside, unseen by Bill, Leonard and Raj who'd chosen the wrong queue. Bill looked lost while his sons were heatedly discussing the merits of various mutants from _X-men_. Sheldon was tempted to join the conversation but he'd seen cash-phones outside and those took priority. After combining several remarks Bill had made about his maker it had occured to Sheldon that Bill's commands might wear off. He wanted to test whether he was truly unable to contact his family.

Making sure to pick a booth that could not be seen from Bill's point of view, he fed the phone several dollars. His index finger hovered above the first number of his mother's extension and that's all it did. No matter how much he willed it to press, it was to no avail.

"Stupid command," Sheldon muttered as he hung the receiver, "If only I knew how it worked."

OoOoOoO

Being the latest addition to Fangtasia Penny was trusted with the task of cleaning the toilets.

"This time," Pam told Penny, "use vampire speed when you clean."

Penny nodded. "Could I take a short break afterwards and visit a store?"

"Is your tip money burning in your corset?"

Penny smiled.

"No you can't. Clean and return."

Pam attended a customer and Penny made herself scarce. On her way to the rest-rooms she walked passed the offices of Pam and Eric. They were locked. She tried the key of the broom closet on both doors but that didn't grant her access. Not wanting to waste more time she selected the cleaning devices she needed and made it for the ladies' room. Not sensing any hearts beating in there she hang an 'out of order' note on the door and put on a pair of household gloves. Back in Bon Temps the guys had questioned Bill about vampire speed and movements per second and many more things Penny didn't recall. They had not gotten satisfactory replies for Bill didn't have a clue. Penny understood why her friends wanted to know but she herself simply accepted the fact that it worked the way it worked. It took twenty seconds for all toilets to be sparkling and smelling after bleach. Six more seconds were sufficient to clean the wash-bowls and mirrors.

"_I_ am the Flash!" Penny said in her deepest voice. She left the ladies' and was awarded for her work by the words: "About time. I've been waiting here for ages."

Penny looked at the speaker, a woman wearing an unflattering tank-top, and she was about to give her a sharp reply when it hit her: she was powerful and she should be worthy of it. She could afford to cut people slack.

"I'm sorry," Penny said. "But it's all nice and clean again now. Let me remove this note. Here you go."

The woman was taken aback and she mumbled a thank-you when entering the rest-room.

Penny was mightily content with her behaviour but when she had to wait in the corridor for the occupants of the men's room to leave, she made the mistake of picturing herself as a vampire Eric's age.

"Are you all right sweetheart?" Mr Pilsner asked her. He looked red in the face from dancing and drops of sweat were caught in his side-whiskers.

"Yes I am, thank you."

"Are you sure? You looked so pensive."

"Just thinking about my family," Penny said. It was close to home.

"You don't live with them?"

Penny shook her head.

"You're a belle but not a southern one, are you?"

Penny returned Mr Pilsner's smile and told him she was originally from Nebraska.

"And you miss your family I guess? You didn't break up with them did you? If you did: just contact them. Trust me: they'll love it."

"I want to call them but I lost my phone. I planned to buy a new one but my boss won't allow me time off."

The man's expression turned sympathetic. "You know what? I'll lend you my phone. I go and have a you know what and you can make a call."

"Really? That's great! Would you mind if I make two or three calls sir? I promise I'll keep it short."

The man's expression changed. Penny was afraid that she had overplayed her hand and that he was about to say that she'd better call her folks during the day. She smiled sweetly and locked eyes with him. "It is so nice of you to lend me your phone. I really appreciate it."

The man reached into his pocket and handed her his cell. He didn't seem charmed by her bright smile and her enchanting cleavage and blankly stared at her. "I'll be done before you return," Penny added, hoping she'd evoke a reaction. The man seemed lost. Penny gestured toward the toilets and the man, following her gaze, brightened up. He nodded and entered the men's room. Penny disregarded his strange behaviour: her first priority was to call her parents. Doing so proved impossible though. Penny shrugged and called the 411 service number.

OoOoOoO

White-boards were covered in mysterious characters. Bill wanted to show an interest in what his sons were doing but he felt increasingly stupid.

"Do you think I could learn about this?" he asked Raj. It was somewhat disconcerning that his ready-to-please-son hesitated to reply affirmatively.

"I could give you a course on what physics is about," Bill's tallest son replied, "and you might understand some of that but you will never grasp this."

Bill felt his resolution to be patient toward Sheldon falter so he forced himself to jokingly say that he had centuries to learn.

Sheldon snorted and said: "Let's talk about something you can relate to: the five of us had a life. We want it back."

On hearing Sheldon's words Howard and Leonard stopped talking about Huygens's theory of probability. Bill found himself facing a team. He looked at his watch: two bloody hours until sunset.

OoOoOoO

"Hello," Penny said into Mr Pilsner's phone. "This is Sheldon's friend and neighbour, Penny."


	6. Chapter 6

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 6

Bill was about to dial Sookie's number when he thought the better of it. His enchanting girlfriend had enough things on her mind as it was and knowing that his sons were getting on his nerves wasn't going to help her. Besides: hearing her voice would do little to stop him from longing for her and with fifteen minutes until sunrise she was very likely asleep. Eric however wouldn't be. Bill contacted the sheriff to inquire after Penny. He learned that she was doing fine and that she appreciated his calls. Eric chatted along that Penny was an attractive woman and didn't he think so too? Bill suspiciously agreed and he told Eric that he'd expect him not to take advantage of the young vampire.

"Being her father, I'm sure you'll understand that I'm protective," he said.

"Absolutely. As her father you should be," Eric replied and there was something in his voice that made Bill think that he'd missed something.

"Then you'll also realize," he said, "that I prefer her to live with me just as Pam lives with you."

Eric made an amused throatily sound and broke the connection.

"Viking prick," Bill muttered.

OoOoOoO

Penny had closed her coffin to give Eric and Pam an opportunity to talk freely about subjects that might be of interest to her too. As long as the two of them were chatting about work-related subjects, Penny thought about Mr Pilsner. She'd kept an eye on him for the remainder of the night and he'd seemed just fine to her. It was a relief to her for she'd come to belief that she'd hypnotized him. _Who knows what other things I might do just like that_, she thought,_ Vampire ways huh? Bill really has some guiding to do. _

"Before I forget, we need a new bartender," Eric said.

"I thought you liked having the babe behind the bar."

"I do, but I was just taking the piss on Bill."

"No need to stop doing that. I can't stand his self-righteous face. Ordering his children not to drink from humans? Ha!"

"You think he doesn't keep to Tru Blood himself?"

"I think he does and I dislike him even more because of that. Why not anger him by keeping the girl?"

"Because I think he'll go nuts if he has all five of his children living with him."

Feminine laughter filled the basement and it took Penny a moment to understand it must be Pam's.

"A hundred dollars that daddy Bill won't last a decade!" Eric said. He too laughed and to Penny it sounded oddly relieved.

"You're too old," Pam said, "You can't think in short time spans anymore. He won't last a year."

The next morning Penny woke up wearing the same smile she'd fallen asleep with.

OoOoOoO

"Bill!" Raj called out, "breakfast is served!"

Bill turned off his computer and made it for the kitchen where Rajesh smiled at the sight of his perfectly set breakfast table. Sheldon and Leonard were bickering.

"Why do they always insult each other?" Bill asked Howard as he sat down next to him.

"You're mistaken Bill. Sheldon never insults people, he tells them the truth. And he barely ever understands it when others insult him for he has yet to master sarcasm and facial expressions. Did you contact Fangtasia and if so, how's Penny?"

Undisturbed by Howard changing the subject Bill replied: "I called Eric before sunrise. He said she's fine and I told him that I'd rather have her live here."

Howard nodded. "If only to silence the boys huh?"

Raj, who listened to their exchange said: "Have you given the possibility of us going home a thought?"

The previous night the four friends had listed all the reasons why they needed to return to Pasadena and why it wasn't right to imprison them. The word 'home' ended Sheldon and Leonard's dispute and they too attentively waited for their maker's reply.

Bill once again recalled the first seventy years of his vampire life and the horrid 'education' he'd received from the vampire who'd turned him.

"I'm thinking of a way to meet your wishes," Bill lied. "Now today I will teach you about vampire hierarchy."

The scientists, keen to learn something, offered him a white-board to use as a tool and after breakfast they all but dragged him to the living room.

Bill felt rather foolish standing there holding a marker. He wrote down 'area-kingdom' and when he turned around four hands were raised. It took fifteen minutes and two monologues by Sheldon before Bill could bring up a new topic. This resulted in him explaining that the chance of being invited to visit the Guardian was even smaller than the chance of receiving an invitation for the White House. Leonard asked whether the Guardian was elected and this somehow ended up in Bill being mute while his sons discussed the likelyhood of other multiverses containing vampire 'thems'.

OoOoOoO

Penny saw a vampire glance at a box containing little cocktail-parasols and she spontaneously opened one to hang it in his glass of Tru Blood.

"No reason why you can't have one too," she said.

The vampire looked at her. His impressive eyebrows made him appear rough, but Penny wasn't going to be intimidated by some facial hair. She winked at him and he laughed thunderously. Eric, playing the king once again, lazily looked at the bar. Penny smiled at her boss. Her customer turned around and saluted his host. A group of four vampires waved at him and he returned the gesture. Penny took a sip of her glass. She'd started to experiment with the various flavours and her current choice, A-pos, had a sparkly aftertaste she rather liked. She wondered what type of humans it was supposed to remind vampires of: young people who ate a lot of fruit?

"Are they friends of yours?" she asked while her eyes darted toward the entrance where some customers just entered.

"I hung out with them in the sixties. They seem to be celebrating."

Penny nodded. "They sat here for a while. The lady in the green dress got 'released'."

"Really? Never thought old Patrick would break their bond."

The vampire's words gave Penny hope. She smiled pleasantly and let her incomprehension show.

"Patrick is her maker," the vampire said as he fingered the parasol.

"I see."

Mr Eyebrow frowned. "No you don't. How old are you?"

Penny almost revealed her real age, but she gave the answer he would expect: "Couple of days."

"Cute. Is Eric Northman your maker?"

Penny shook her head.

"You fit the profile though. I'm Daniel by the way."

"Pleased to meet you. I'm Penny."

"Wish I'd met you a week ago Penny. I'd have been happy to turn you."

Penny didn't bother to tell her story: she needed more intelligence. "Really? And would you release me too, like this Patrick did? After I learned vampire stuff?"

"Learned stuff? These days it's down to bottles if you don't have a taste for the real thing. And glamouring, you might wanna know about that too."

"What would you teach about glamouring?"

Daniel shrugged. "What to say, what not to say. Knowing when to stop to prevent the human from becoming useless. If you need something like money or so, just glamour more than one person."

"That would make me a thief."

Daniel smirked at Penny in a way that said: that's what you say _now_.

_If Howard were here, I'd share a look with him_, Penny thought.

OoOoOoO

It wasn't until Bill noted down 'rules', that his offspring stopped talking.

"The most important rule is: do not injure humans."

Sheldon raised his hand. "One. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm," he said excitedly, "Two. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. Three. A robot -"

Through the rest of Sheldon's quotation Leonard addressed Bill: "It's fun having a kid like him huh?"

Bill adjusted his expression and replied to Sheldon as calm as he could: "Asimov, right?"

"Indeed so! The three laws of Robotics. Do you like science-fiction Bill?"

"I like some of it." Determined not to be placed on a side-track again, Bill added: "These laws you mentioned are helpful to explain things about vampires: the first law is clear I would say."

Four hands were raised.

"Yes Leonard?" Bill said, while trying to recall the second and third law.

"Does that mean that we have to help people?"

"What do you mean?"

"If I see someone about to get an accident must I use my vampiric speed and strength to rescue him?"

"It is mandatory for robots but not for vampires," Bill made up. "Now the second law would refer to a vampire obeying his maker and - Yes Howard?"

"You've said that if you were to order us to kill people, we would not be able to resist your command so the exception is invalid."

Bill did some quick thinking. "But I myself am bound to the first law too."

"What if you change your mind about being nice to humans?" Raj said.

"I won't."

"And if he did we could kill him because the first law prevails," Sheldon told his friends.

"Will we be able to do so when we are under his 'spell'?" Leonard asked.

"Let's hope we won't have to find out," Howard said.

"Say Bill, if we'd kill you or other vampires because you'd force us to hurt people, would the Magister be all right with that?"

"To most vampires the most important rule is not to kill or harm other vampires Rajesh," Bill said, "You'd meet the true death if you'd stake me."

"Unless we cover it up really well," Raj pleasantly said.

_No matter what happens in the future_, Bill promised himself, _I will spend time with someone before I turn him_.

"Is staking a vampire in the heart the only way to kill him?" Leonard asked.

"Decapitation is another option or so I read some time ago," Raj said.

"I can see how effective that will be but we'll need Penny for that for I can't see any of us doing something so brutal. Just think of the shower of blood when you forcefully remove someone's head. Rather than shivering I will express myself verbally: 'Ew'."

"Maybe the easiest way to restrain them is to use silver: they can't stand it."

"_We_ can't Howard!" Bill said more forcefully than he had intended to. "And again: killing a vampire will be punished by death!"

"We heard you. And to re-assure you, we do not plan to kill you," Sheldon said, "or any other vampire for that matter. But if you could confirm that decapitation is a way to get rid of a vampire, we will design a stake proof WHKC vest with a hood attached to it."

Bill privately started counting till ten.

"All right," Sheldon continued after a moment, "We'll keep the hood anyway for it will offer protection against the rain."

"Dude, we can run so fast, the rain won't even hit us!"

"Oh, that is worth testing! What's the weather going to be like Bill?"

"You'll. Get. Wet."

Before Sheldon could annoy Bill even more, Howard said: "You mentioned before Bill that the Great Revelation was ordered from above. I'd say that the Guardian would have adopted your rule but since even the Magister doesn't care for human lifes, either the Guardian isn't capable of imposing law and order or he doesn't care for it any more than the average vampire."

"Nan Flanagan speaks in his name," Bill said, "I first met her in 1982 and I can assure you that she feels about human-vampire relationships just the way I do." Raising his hand to stop his sons from commenting he added: "Vampire society is complicated. For centuries vampires have fed from humans and it is nearly impossible to change their ways in mere years."

"The long life span of vampires might wear humanity's patience threadbare," Howard said. "Have human authorities been informed about the then upcoming Revelation?"

"Indeed, were they involved Bill? Vampires hardly resemble koala bears. Those are my favorite animals by the way. Do you think the government will have come up with a plan to make vampires extinct, just in case?"

Bill listened to the enthusiastical replies to Sheldon's question. His infants were thinking of something that had never entered his mind. Still, for all the insight the young vampires gave him, the thought of having to form a nest with them made him shiver. "You know what?" he said, "I think you deserved an outing."

Raj stopped talking about a mirror orbiting earth and Sheldon exclaimed: "Is there a comic book store in this dog-hole?"

"No. The inhabitants of Bon Temps are content with a pub. Now come."

OoOoOoO

The bachelor-party was a merry bunch and had been so from the start: Penny was sure the men had some Dutch courage before visiting the vampire club. Their self-assurance resulted in bawdy comments on their bartender's physique. Penny pasted a smile on her face until one of them, who according to the rosette he wore was the best man, asked her what it would cost if she'd give the groom a lapdance with a little something extra.

"Don't be rude," Penny said warningly.

"Common, fangbanger like you must be doing less pleasurable things," the best man said, while a friend marked as the MC asked: "Do vampires really have cold sperm?"

For a moment Penny's jaw dropped but she gathered herself together and slowly said: "Why don't you ask one to demonstrate that for you?"

The other men laughed and made fun of the MC while Penny continued to mix their cocktails.

"Any gay vamp approaching me is gonna find that I took precautions," the MC told no one in particular. When his friends didn't respond, he expected the bartender to come up with a reply and it annoyed him that she was glancing at the entrance.

"Fangbanger. I'm talking to you!"

Penny eyed the man until he swallowed. _Cut slack_, she told herself. "It is sensible of you to protect yourself against ill meaning vampires but 'fangbanger' is an insulting word. Here's your Blackbeard sir. Enjoy."

The MC grumbled a reply and engaged in a conversation with the best man about why humans were better than vampires.

_One day you're in team pretty dumb blondes,_ Penny mused as she prepared another fancy drink, _the next day it's team sucking leeches. Yea!_

OoOoOoO

On entering the pub Bill's sons were still talking about possible governmental plans to deal with vampires. Bill didn't understand half of what they said but at least the other patrons would make even less sense of it, if they paid attention at all. Bill wondered whether they realized that not one but five vampires had entered the venue. One person who was sure to know was Sam, who warily eyed the arrivals and gestured to Bill that he liked a word with him. Bill told his sons to stay and behave. When he walked to the counter Sam made it for his office. Bill followed him there.

"Is this about Sookie?" he asked.

Sam shook his head.

"She's not here, is she?"

"Morning shift. Andy Bellefleur mentioned that you killed a woman and four men and turned them?"

"Ever heard of the Magister?"

Sam curtly nodded.

"He ordered it. Please don't ask."

"Please listen", Sam said as he stepped toward Bill, "no matter who demands it of you if you turn Sookie, you're dead."

Bill inclined his head: he knew that the shifter was fully capable of doing damage. "I have no intention of doing so," he said and as an afterthought he added: "against her wishes."

It was clear that Sam wasn't pleased by these words but rather than commenting he said: "I expect you to protect Sookie against your children."

"I'm keeping them apart," Bill said.

Sam, who'd heard that Sookie hadn't dated Bill for the last couple of nights, nodded.

"Child vampires usually spend a lot of time with their maker, don't they?" he asked. Bill wasn't fooled into thinking that the bar owner took an interest in his life but he chatted along: "They do. Young vampires need guidance." It sounded to him as if he were convincing himself.

"I agree. I'm glad you take your responsibility."

"Get out of here!" a voice behind them cried out.

"Why must I leave?" another voice replied.

Sam, curious and amused by the fact that Bill's shoulders slouched, walked toward the kitchen for he'd recognized his cook's voice.

"Because I say so! Out!"

"Is Merlotte's violating the health code and are you afraid I will report you? Surely you must realize that unless you own this place, you can't be held responsible for its state of cleanliness. Not legally anyway. And why don't you object to this man entering?"

"His name's Merlotte, that's why."

Sheldon curiously eyed Mr Merlotte and his nostrils flared.

"Sheldon," Bill said. To his annoyance he sounded tired: he anticipated the questions he'd have to answer about Sam's extraordinary blood.

"Bill. I asked the cook to warm these bottles of Tru Blood in a pan. From his reaction I conclude that he is unwilling to do so. Southern hospitality is going down the drain."

From the pub the shrill voice of Mrs Fortenberry came mixed with soft whimpers and Howard's soothing voice.

"Heating it in a micro-wave will be just fine Lafayette, thank you," Bill said with a strained smile. "Come with me Sheldon."

"All right. But do pour it out in wine glasses please Mr Lafayette. It will make drinking Tru Blood into a different experience compared to sipping it from a spoon."

Bill and Sheldon walked into the pub where some muscled young men were telling Howard that they didn't care for posh city boys.

The cook made a face at his boss. Sam smiled brightly: "Bill became a maker."

"No shit," Lafayette said.

OoOoOoO

A woman who was dressed in a way that indicated she'd mistaken Fangtasia for a church entered the night club. She was slim and it was hard to guess her age, though the disapproving lines around her mouth as she took in the surroundings added a few years to it. Ignoring the mocking glances she got she walked toward the bar.


	7. Chapter 7

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 7

"Why do we never get a nice evening out?" Leonard complained. "I was just about to play pool with some girls."

"We outstayed our welcome, in case you hadn't noticed," Howard said.

Raj took a sip of his flask and shivered. "That woman is really scary."

"Did _you_ have fun Sheldon?" Leonard asked.

"I tried to get the cook to heat our bevearages in a pan and he refused to do so, but I found something of interest," Sheldon said, while turning in the passenger seat to look at his friends in the backseat. "The owner, Mr Merlotte, has amazing blood."

"You didn't drink of him, did you?" Howard said.

"He can't grow fangs remember?"

"I don't need those and nor do you Leonard. By the way Bill, are there any vampires working for narcotic teams?"

"Not that I know."

"It would be interesting to compare a vampire's sense of smell to that of a dog. Has it ever been done?"

"Not that I know."

"Do you know why Mr Merlotte smells differently from other people I've encountered after being turned into a vampire?"

"Yes I do."

When Bill remained silent Sheldon said: "Are you willing to share your intelligence? Intelligence in the meaning of data of course. It wouldn't be right to deprive you of IQ points. Not that that would technically be possible but even if it were, I wouldn't do it. Not for my benefit anyway."

"Mr Merlotte is a shapeshifter."

Leonard, Howard and Raj sat forward for as far as their seat belts allowed them and exclaimed as one: "Seriously?"

"Of course not," Sheldon said with contempt. Looking at Bill he added: "And this is why _I_ don't need more IQ points."

Bill kept his face impassive and looked into his driver's mirror.

"Seriously."

An excited Leonard, Howard and Raj had so much to say that at first Bill didn't notice that Sheldon was rendered mute. When they left the car Raj was wondering aloud whether Mr Merlotte could change into a dolphin.

"In Bon Temps Raj?" Leonard said.

"I see the challenge. Well, a kitten is cute everywhere. Or a little bunny."

"Or a zombie Sheldon?" Leonard said while gesturing to the Texan, who dragged himself to Bill's front door.

"I'm going to my office for a moment, to check for orders," Bill announced in general.

"If I were a shifter, I would not change into a zombie. What about an eagle? They are so majestic."

"Maybe it would be best to start with a land animal."

OoOoOoO

"I got you something to drink," Raj announced when he walked into Bill's office. His maker glanced at the tea-cup with small pink flowers on it that was being placed on his desk.

"That spoon isn't made of silver is it?"

"Stainless steel," Raj said with a charming smile. "You know Bill, in my wildest dreams I wouldn't have believed that shapeshifters excist. It's even more cool than vampires, if you don't mind me saying so."

Bill suppressed a grin. "I haven't heard Sheldon in a while."

"He is sulking in a corner. Would you believe it? This is a man who can picture himself to be a hexagon in Flatland and who is as much into syfy as we are, yet he can't deal with shifters."

Raj left and Bill finished reading a small manual for high school teachers he'd found on an Australian site. He wasn't aware that he was whirling his 'tea' until he heard the musical sound of steel against porcelain. He sat back and sighed. He'd just learned how to get his students' attention, but the problem wasn't that his sons weren't eager to learn but that – unlike he'd claimed – there wasn't a lot to teach them. Lorena had taught him to stop drinking once someone's heart was beating at a certain rate. She'd taught him where to bite. She'd taught him how to glamour and torture inno-. Bill stopped thinking, entered search string 'Flatland hexa' and read a favourable review of a film. He told himself he should find out how Sheldon was doing and searched for funny cat films instead. In between the fourth and fifth YouTube video he saw his reflexion on the computer screen. It triggered him into action.

OoOoOoO

"He'll be all right," Leonard said, but he didn't sound convinced of it himself. The four of them looked at Sheldon, who was sitting on the floor, half hidden behind a curtain, with his arms wrapped around his legs.

"Sheldon? I'm going to teach again."

His words were met with silence. Sheldon stared ahead.

"We just discussed whether or not shifters can change into mythical creatures," Raj whispered.

"He just sat there," Howard said.

Bill's Australian manual had mentioned how to behave toward cheeky pupils but how to handle forlorn looking students had not been a subject. "You're welcome to join us," Bill said and he waited for a moment expecting Sheldon to respond. "Is there a board I can use?"

Raj wiped away some calculations and handed Bill a marker.

"Okay, before the Great Revealation, what did you know about vampires?"

"They drink blood."

"And hate garlic."

"They can't stand silver."

Still 'they', Bill said to himself.

"Can _you_ think of anything Sheldon?" Raj said.

Sheldon remained silent.

"They die for real when they are staked," Leonard said.

Howard came up with: "They can't enter religious places."

"And religious artefacts make them flee," Raj said.

"Count Dracula could change into a bat," Leonard said and they all turned to see whether Sheldon would reply.

"Is he like this more often?" Bill asked after a moment.

"Sometimes. Usually Penny gets him to be his charming self again," Howard said.

"Yeah. She talks to him and I buy him toys," Leonard added.

Bill's empathy for Sheldon faded just a bit.

"Vampires are known to sleep in coffins wearing pink pyjamas," Raj said. Sheldon still didn't react.

Howard frowned. "And they prefer the blood of virgins. I think my sex appeal will lure a great many pure women," he said in a generous invitation to make Sheldon say something insulting about his physical attractivenes.

"So coffins, pink pyjamas and virgins," Bill played along. "Anything else?" Soon he'd written down 'sun', 'water', 'mirror' and 'hypnotizing'. He underlined some words and asked his pupils after the connection between them.

"We don't sleep in a coffin and we can see ourselves in a mirror so I guess those 'facts' about vampires are fiction?"

"They are indeed Leonard. You can imagine that with the way vampires used to feed, rumours about them spread among humans. To prevent us from being exposed, vampires made up stories about our kind, for instance the one about vampires not having a reflexion."

"They could simply have drank from animals," Howard said.

"Wouldn't you agree that all predators go for the easy prey?"

"Vampires have something most predators don't: a conscience."

"Those creeps at the trial couldn't even spell that word," Raj said.

Sheldon sneezed and to Bill's relief this proved a divertion.

"Let me try something," Leonard said. He started whistling.

"Sheldon can't stand that," Howard informed Bill.

When Sheldon didn't order Leonard to stop, Raj suggested Leonard to whistle the StarWars theme. Sheldon kept staring ahead.

"Try Indiana Jones, but off key."

Leonard's musicality had no effect on Sheldon. The three friends walked over to Sheldon's corner.

"I think," Howard said, "that Aristotle was a lousy scientist."

Raj made a whimpering sound but Sheldon didn't even blink.

"All right," Howard said. "Gentlemen, promise to protect me."

He straightened up and slowly declared: "I'm convinced that Leslie Winkle is superior to Niels Bohr."

Bill didn't quite understand why Sheldon's continous lack of reaction affected his other sons that much, but there was no question that it did.

OoOoOoO

Penny knocked on the door to Eric's office.

"There she is," she heard him say. "Enter."

She walked into the room and found Eric all alone, seated with his long legs resting on his desk.

"Hello Penny," came Bill's voice. Penny looked at the phone.

"Hi Bill!" she said with a smile that made Eric smile.

"Are you all right Penny?"

"It's okay here. I'd rather be with you though. No offence meant Eric."

"None taken."

"Is everyone all right Bill?"

Two different voices said: "Hi Penny!"

"Hi Howard, hello Leonard. Hi Raj!"

"Raj just waved at you," Howard said.

"You didn't cut your son's tongue now did you Bill?" Eric asked without sounding in the least bit concerned.

"He'd never do that!" Penny said, sounding offended. Eric teasingly smiled at her.

"Where's Sheldon," she asked. "Is he okay?"

"Well, that's where you might be of assistance Penny," Bill said.

"I'd love to help you Bill."

"Thank you. The thing is, I told Sheldon about shapeshifters."

"Uhuh."

"Those are humans who can turn themselves into animals and back again."

"Cool," Penny said, while briefly wondering what other miracles would be revealed to her, "but Sheldon thinks it's illogical right?"

"Yes," Bill said with a relieved sigh as if Penny had already solved the problem.

"He's sitting in a corner with his lost boys' look," Leonard said.

"Oh my," Penny said.

"You can say that again," Howard said, "We hoped that since you know how to handle frightened horses – "

Eric started laughing. Howard continued: " – you can talk him out of it."

"I can try..." Penny said, looking at Eric. Rather than telling her to leave for Bon Temps, the smirking viking gestured toward the phone.

"Is he around Bill?"

"I'm walking toward him right now. Hold on. Sheldon? Penny's on the phone."

"Hi sweety!" Penny said. "I heard you're not feeling too well?"

Despite the lack of a reply Penny continued: "Sheldon, Bill told me about shapeshifters. It upset you didn't it? And I understand why. Don't give me that look," she bluffed, "For I do get it. I mean, how can a human turn into ... say a dog? The human might be 70 kilos and a dog isn't right? Not even mountain dogs are that heavy. Maybe if the shifter turned into a Mastiff," Penny chatted along, "than it might work, but I guess they don't really have to, for they can turn into animals and a flee is an animal too so the mass doesn't matter. Where does the extra mass go to? And how can a brain fit in a flee?"

"You talk like a layman but I'm glad you see the point Penny," Sheldon said in a small voice, "It's horrible. The world is turned upside down."

"It may look that way."

"It is so!"

"There's always a logical explanation," Penny said.

Sheldon tsk-ed. "Says the woman who puts faith in her horoscope."

"There's a perfectly good reason why I do that."

Penny waited for what would have been a heartbeat and continued: "I'm superstitious."

Eric grinned.

Penny heard Sheldon sigh. "Penny, a man changing into a fly..."

"I counter that with 'a man changing into a vampire'."

"That's merely biology Penny. Shifting mocks the rules of... everything I believe in."

"All those rules are theories Sheldon. You once told me that theories are true until someone proves them wrong."

"That wasn't the way I phrased it Penny, but I understand what you are trying to say."

"Maybe Newton is a vampire and he already solved the problem?"

"Yes!" Sheldon exclaimed. "Once I'm in my spot on the couch I'll check Bill's database. And should Newton be dead, I'll figure it out myself. Unless I solve this crap, how can I work on the wonders of the universe anyway?"

"The other wonders sweety. Now start calculating stuff. Don't write on Bill's walls!"

"We've got white-boards and I'm walking to them as we speak. Oh my!"

"What is it Sheldon?"

"Leonard gave it an attempt and he messed it up. They are truly lost without me aren't they? Bye Penny."

And with that the connection was broken.

"Looks like the horse is whinnying again," Eric said. "Back to work Penny."

OoOoOoO

"I was told that the vampire who is in charge here is very old," a woman sitting at the bar told Pam just when Penny arrived to continue her shift.

"Over a thousand years," Pam said. Somehow her tone of voice contained both pride for Eric as well as contempt for her mortal customer.

"Methusalem was that old but in his case it was a gift of God Almighty."

Pam rolled her eyes. "She's all yours," she told Penny, "Don't bite." And with that she rushed away.

"I picture Methusalem to have been grateful and merry for every day the Lord granted him," the customer said,"You think being a vampire makes that woman act the way she does?"

"I doubt Pam changed a lot since the day she was turned," Penny said.

"I hope nor will you."

"Only to an improved version," Penny playfully said, ignoring what could be a compliment.

"Which wouldn't include using people to feed on right?"

Penny shook her head. "None of us will."

"He'll think it's unhygienic anyway," the woman said. "He'll have all the time in the world to study. In a way that is a wonderful gift to someone like him."

"It is to all of them."

"What about you Penny?"

Penny shrugged. "One day at the time Mrs C."

Sheldon's mother reached out to pat Penny's hand. "My aren't you cold," she nervously said. "Can you feel the warmth of my skin?"

Penny nodded. If she were a cat, she would purr.

Mary Cooper retrieved her hand and folded it around her cappucino.

"Of course," Penny said, "Unless they can get away from there, there's not much studying for them to do."

OoOoOoO

"Do you regret having 'cured' Sheldon?" Bill asked Howard as they were both waiting for a supply of Tru Blood to reach body temperature.

"It was nice and quiet and far better for our nerves when he was depressed, right?" Howard said understandingly.

Bill put on his poker face. Howard grinned. "Trust me, we've been there. He acts the way he does to everyone. Well, save his mother and his meemah I'd guess. But be you his friend or his maker or the president of the university, he'll make you feel as if you're retarted."

"He really shouldn't act that way among vampires. You saw what sheriff Northman did to him."

Howard couldn't suppress a smile at the memory.

"Why is he your friend?"

Howard shrugged. "We met him through Leonard, who is his roommate. And Sheldon may be a condescending jerk most of the time, he is also a nerd and a genius. I appreciate that. So trust me: we will protect him from ill-meaning vampires. Even, 'he meaningfully added' once we're back in Pasadena."

"I'm sure you would," Bill said and Howard's smile faded away.

To busy himself the engineer checked the display of the thermometer that hung in the pan filled with Tru Blood. He announced it to be just warm enough and he carefully poured the contents of the pan in five beakers, not knowing what to think of the fact that Bill resembled a statue.

"All ready!" Howard said as he lifted the tray with their drinks from the sink. Just like that Bill switched to 'on' mode which startled his son.

Aren't we a scary bunch, Howard thought.

OoOoOoO

Mary Cooper observed that Fangtasia's patrons were thirsty. If some of them came to the bar and ordered a drink just to talk to the pretty bartender, Mary couldn't blame them. It surprised her that she thought that way for she'd never considered vampires to be desirable. The lack of a 'bazinga!' text message however had made her willing to think that not all vampires were god-forsaken bloodsuckers and after Penny had confirmed that Sheldon was turned, Mary was obliged to give the topic even more thought. She'd found that Penny – the first vampire she'd ever met – was a nice and kind young woman, with a lot of practical sense. With her being Sheldon's friend, the fact that she was a vampire was a bit like her having a limp.

"Does that look work?" a woman interupted Mary's thoughts.

"I'm sorry?"

"Your outfit. I wore this," the woman said, looking into her valley, "'cause I thought they'd like it." She shrugged. "Not so much as a kiss in my neck. So, have you had any luck?"

"About as much as you," Mary said while trying to get Penny's attention.

"Frankly," the woman said, as if Mary showed an interest in what she had to say, "I can't really make out which of these people are vampires and which aren't. I hope he is."

Mary followed the woman's gaze. "The man standing next to the blonde with the purple corset?"

"Yeah. He's handsome ain't he?"

"He looks like he has more muscle than brain."

The woman giggled. "They say vampires stay hard all night long."

OoOoOoO

"Did you just wink at that tramp at the bar?" Pam asked her companion.

"She wants me," the man said in a Russian accent.

Pam agreed with him: the woman couldn't keep her eyes of him and her fingers invitingly trailed her collar bones. The Christian sitting next to to the tramp shook her head in disapproval. Pam smirked. "Rule number one: no biting on premises."

The Russian reluctantly nodded. "I studied the girl. She's doing all right."

"Our cocktail sales doubled since she's here. But she smiles too much."

"And she keeps serving that tart coffee."

"That too. Now normally I would say change into something vampire-ish, but you're already wearing leather. Send Penny to Eric's office and take over the bar."

OoOoOoO

Mary stiffled her yawns, not only because it was ladylike to do so, but also because she feared that vampires might see it as a sign of weakness should she yawn openly. With Penny being replaced by Mr Muscle, she touched her silver crucifix to feel less tense. Ignoring some drunk laughter nearby she thought of the day to come. Penny had assured her that Bill Compton was a southern gentleman. Though to Mary the phrase gentleman vampire was a contradictio in terminis and Penny was too young to know a gentleman from a suave womanizer, it reasured her a little that Sheldon's maker wasn't described as a robber knight. A 'gentleman' might be sensible to reason.

Pam appeared next to Mary.

"Oh hello," Mary said, "Miss Pam is it? I hope you don't mind me asking, but that nice blonde bartender isn't in trouble, is she?"

The vampire gave her patron a stare that would have silenced a lesser woman. "Because of her being told to see her boss – again."

"We are about to close," Pam said.

Mary checked her watch. "Yes, in ten minutes."

Pam looked at Mary with an expression of utter boredom.

"Mind if I took this?" Mary said, gesturing toward a stained Fangtasia beer mat. "My bible group won't believe I was here otherwise."

Pam smirked. "I'd expect those people to have faith. By all means, bring it to your friends."

"Bless you!" Mary exclaimed. She carefully put the coaster in her hand bag. Pam called out that the club was about to close. There were still quite a lot of people around who seemed to want to stay till the last minute: despite Pam's uninviting tone of voice they didn't move.

"I'd like to greet your nice bartender and then I'll go," Mary said.

"There she is," Pam commented Penny's entrance.

The young blonde walked toward them and with a bright smile said: "Guess what Pam?"

Mary, who understood that Penny spoke partly for her benefit, remained silent.

"Surprise me."

"You'll know already don't you? I'm so glad I can go back to Bill! I wish Eric had told me a bit earlier on, so I could have flashed to Bill's place – "

"A vampire your age can't flash long distances."

"That's too bad! But anyway I appreciate it that I can spend the day here. I'll leave first thing tomorrow."

"Good. This is not a hotel."

"So you didn't get punished or anything? I'm so glad for that honey," Mary said.

"Thank you so much!" Penny said. Her expression then changed into a calculated one and she added: "Didn't you mention that you wanted to do some sight-seeing around here?"

"Yes I did. How sweet of you to remember."

"Well, there's this nice old country village called Bon Temps. I think you'll like it a lot."

Mary could see what Penny planned to accomplish, but her improvising skills were running out.

"Ow?"

Penny put an arm around Mary's slender shoulders and after winking at Pam she led Mary toward the exit.

OoOoOoO

Pam gleefully told Eric: "Remember what we said about Bill having all of his children living with him?"

"He'll go nuts."

"His sweet little daughter glamoured this Texan tart into giving her a ride to Bon Temps tomorrow."

"Mr Morality wouldn't have taught her to take advantage of people, would he?"

"According to her he merely said that they couldn't bite humans. I tried to make her uncomfortable about glamouring, saying Bill wouldn't approve, but I'm pleased to say that I didn't succeed."

"I suppose I can't place a new bet?"

"You suppose correctly."

A fortnight, Penny, eavesdropping in her coffin, thought. He won't last a fortnight.


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's note: in this chapter I used data from TBBT S2E1 and I made a reference to the Sookie Stackhouse novels (for I rather liked a certain character in the books and I missed him in the series, though I can see why they cut him)._

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 8

"Do you think," Penny asked Mary Cooper, "that vampires can't avoid becoming self-centered?"

A coughing-fit prevented Mary from replying. Penny pulled the paper bag that stood at her feet unto her lap and produced a box of mints. She offered some to her driver, who gratefully took them and for now didn't wonder why Penny had bought them.

"Like Pam?" Mary said, when she'd stopped coughing.

"And Eric. Well maybe 'self-centered' isn't the right word. It's just that once you've seen your own generation grow old and die... You can't rely on people anymore or so. No, that's not what I meant. Hold on."

It wasn't until they'd left Shrevesport behind them that Penny had found a suitable description: "Humans are just passing creatures to them. Extras. And why should they care for the extras?"

"From what you told me this doesn't apply to Mr Compton."

"He's a good man. He didn't turn us into killers."

"I can only pray that he won't change his mind."

Penny stared ahead. Mary briefly glanced at her. The young woman looked sad and pensive.

"As for becoming self-centered," Mary said, her eyes on the road again, "some people are born that way. They care for themselves and they disregard other people's wishes and dreams. I've known many such people and none of them were vampires. That proves that even mortal humans can be egoists. You are not Penny. And don't tell me that I don't know you. Lord knows that someone who is a friend of my Sheldon can't be selfish."

Penny kept staring ahead, but she felt less tense and after a while she said: "It's a bad thing to say, but I'm really glad that I'm not alone in all this."

"I can imagine that honey."

The endearement made Penny look to her left. "I knew you to be a lioness defending her cub when it came to Sheldon, but that you'd be so... relaxed about this whole vampire thing amazes me."

"Me too," Mary said with a self-conscious smile. "It's restricted though. Sheldon, you, your friends possibly, maybe Mr Compton. Otherwise they're just -"

Mary let the description hang in the air, rather than offending her companion by calling vampires children of the devil.

"Murderers?" Penny suggested.

Mary nodded.

"We won't be," Penny softly said. "We won't be."

OoOoOoO

"No book of laws, no proper history or biology or even sociology books about either vampires or shapeshifters. Why bother? Let's just call it 'magic' and be done with it. I can't say vampires create a legacy," Sheldon said.

"They are their own legacy."

"You must admit Howard that vampires are only immortal in theory. All it takes is a well placed piece of ordinary wood and – Tell me Bill, were the creators of _Buffy the vampire slayer_ correct: do vampires get dusted when being staked?"

"Yeah, what happens?" Leonard asked enthousiastically.

"Why are so keen to find out? Staking is not cool dude."

"Just curious Raj," Leonard said.

"Have you ever killed a vampire Bill?" Sheldon asked.

"No."

"I hope it isn't messy. I don't like messy."

"I imagine you wouldn't like being staked either," Howard said. "Now, Bill wants to sway."

"I know. He started to do so several times already and I'm being very patient here."

"If you could shut up Bill can concentrate and hit the ball."

Bill raised his remote.

"To get a real sense of playing golf, there should be different remotes. For grass, for sand, for -"

"We'd still be in my living room," Bill interupted Sheldon and he swayed his remote. The vampires watched the huge screen that showed their golf-court.

"That's too bad," Sheldon commented. "Do you gentlemen also like to see a virtual blue sky? Do you recall you first full colour film Bill? Were you afraid that the celluloid sun would burn you? Just out of curiosity: would there be a lot of time to flash for shelter should someone expose me to the sun?"

"Yes. Yes. No. No."

"No? Months ago I read that only ancient vampires burn instantly."

"Your turn Raj," Bill said.

OoOoOoO

A song on the car's radio ended and Mary sighed. "Such a gorgeous voice," she remarked.

Penny placed an emptied bottle of Tru Blood behind her seat. "Was that Frank Sinatra?"

"Robert Goulet."

"Never heard of him."

An idea hit Penny and she sat up straighter. "What if all those people claiming they saw Elvis were right? What if he's a vampire?"

"If he turns out to be one, please don't tell me so."

"Didn't you like Elvis?"

"I loved his gospels. Do you know 'Why me Lord'?"

"No, I don't. I prefer his worldly music. But wouldn't you like to hear him perform that song again?"

"I have his albums."

Penny nodded. "I guess it would be strange to see him again, wouldn't it?" She remained silent for half a mile and then added: "Vampires having come out of the coffin is wonderful for all newly created vampires. I mean, as long as their family hasn't burried them already. Once you stood at someone's grave it must be hard to reconnect to the deceased."

Mary made a throatily sound in reply and changed the subject: "What else did you buy apart from a phone and mints? Can vampires use mints by the way?"

"I'll have to ask Bill," Penny said. She didn't mention that having a box of mints with her might convince people that she was an ordinary woman. "But I'm sure I can use shampoo and a tooth brush and lip balm and make-up. I'm glad that I can walk into a drugstore and buy useful stuff for me. It makes me..." Penny stopped for a moment. "I don't know. Real somehow. Normal. Ah well. Are you hungry? I got you tea, soda and cookies for when we're over at Bill's but for a real meal we could stop at Merlotte's in Bon Temps. The guys and I went there and the food looked good. And while you eat, I'll check the phone book for Bill's number."

"Why would you call him?"

"I won't risk bringing you in and run into the Magister or some other powerful – Gabrielle!"

"Excuse me?"

"It's the name of a character from a novel. It just recalled it. She was turned into a vampire by her own son. She didn't like sleeping in a coffin – I'm glad that Bill doesn't either. Eric does though: he had coffins for his visitors."

"Oh honey!"

Mary's sympathetic response made Penny smile. "This Gabrielle dug herself a hole to spend the day."

Mary made a face. "In the earth? That doesn't seem less awkward than sleeping in a coffin."

"I guess it isn't. But at least you'd be mobile. And a layer of earth will offer more protection than the lid of a coffin."

"Uhuh." Mary turned up the volume of the radio even though she didn't care much for the rock music that filled the car.

OoOoOoO

Bill had encouraged his sons to play outside, near the house, so he could quietly handle some orders as well as new entries for his database. When he was done working he checked his watch. Would Sookie still be up? He'd called her after he'd woken up but she hadn't answered the phone. Before he could try to contact her again his sons rushed into the office.

Raj tenderly held a skinny kitten in his hands. "We found the poor thing in the woods when we went searching for heartbeats."

"Not that we were hunting," Sheldon said, "we were merely testing our skills. I'd say she isn't a shapeshifter, because Mr Merlotte smelled differently."

"This is an ordinary cat," Bill confirmed.

"Don't you listen to him little one," Raj told the cat as he raised his hands to his face. "You are a brave and strong little kitty cat. Yes you are!"

The animal produced a small _meow_.

"Do you know her? So we can bring her back to her boss?" Leonard asked. He ignored Raj's disappointed look.

"I'm not familiar with the local cats."

The kitten licked Raj's hand. Raj went weak-kneed and started complimenting the tiny animal for her beautiful eyes and soft fur. Bill thanked his good fortune that there were no other vampires witnessing the scene and at the same time he found Raj's behaviour oddly endearing.

"You got some corned tuna didn't you Raj? To make guests a salad?"

"Yes I did Bill! She will love it!"

Raj hurried to the kitchen. The office went silent and the four remaining men shared a glance. As a result the young vampires took a step toward the door. Their maker guessed that they felt unwelcome. He thought about Sookie's taste, the dangers of living in a nest and being a bad parent. The last thought made him say: "I was thinking, perhaps you'd like to help me to improve the database security?"

OoOoOoO

"That cook knew how to handle pork," Mary said, rubbing her stomach.

Penny shook off the ridiculous idea that she could sense Mary's body digesting her food. "It surely looked good."

"Maybe in a couple of years they'll find a way to turn fake blood into a muffin or so," Mary said for she could imagine that Penny missed the variety of proper food.

"Yes, who knows?"

"The people were ever so complying, weren't they?"

"They gave us directions," Penny agreed.

Mary glanced at her young companion. "The waitress didn't seem to like vampires did she? That simply might have to do with her having met my Sheldon. When she mentioned an 'annoying vampire', I reasoned she wasn't referring to Mr Compton."

Penny hoped that Mr Compton would agree with Arlene's description. As they neared Bill's property, she got anxious about her and her friends' future. What if her plan wouldn't work? Was she stepping into a mausoleum?

"Ready?" Penny asked.

OoOoOoO

Sheldon flashed down the stairs and into the living room. "Raj! The Viking released Penny!"

"That's great!" Raj said. He held his head in an awkward angle to allow the kitten to climb from one shoulder to the other. Addressing the cat he said: "Do you hear that Aishwarya? You'll get to meet Penny. Yes you do!"

Leonard, Howard and Bill joined them.

"Did you name the cat after Aishwarya Rai?"

"Yes I did."

Sheldon look at the others. "Can you believe this?" he exclaimed.

Leonard shrugged.

"Aishwarya Rai is an Indian actress. Or rather: goddess," Raj proudly told Bill. He now held the kitten in his left hand.

"She'd wish! Even as an actress she pales in comparison to say Madhuri Dixit. You'd better name the cat after Madhuri. And who says _you_ can name her? We found her together."

"I caressed her, I fed her. She had a little accident in the kitchen and I cleaned up after her. I'm her daddy!"

Bill briefly closed his eyes.

"While you played with the kitten, _we_ were helping Bill to secure his database."

"Which you broke into in the first place and that got us in this mess!"

The kitten clawed up Raj's left arm. "Aren't you strong Aishwarya!" Raj praised her.

"Madhuri!"

"Aishwarya!"

"Madhuri!"

"Why don't you name her Arya, after Arya Stark?" a female voice said.

Leonard, Howard, Sheldon and Bill, who stood with their backs to the front door, turned around.

"Penny!"

Leonard stepped forward to hug his fair friend. Howard was the next to greet her.

Are you all right? Penny mouthed. Howard shrugged and nodded. He gave her a chaste kiss on her cheek."It's good to have you back Penny."

"Yes it is Penny, and I must say that your suggestion is rather nice. Arya Stark is fierce and somehow I can't picture GRRM to kill her: she is bound to be a survivor. Wouldn't you agree Rasj?"

Rasj beamed at Penny and blushed when she carefully hugged him. The kitten meowed at her from Raj's shoulder and earned a caress too. Penny then turned toward Sheldon.

"No hugs for me please," he said. "You know those make me uncomfortable."

"It's good to see you too sweetie."

Bill was surprised when Penny embraced him, but it felt good. As he looked down at Penny's golden locks he was reminded of his daughter Sarah.

"Has Eric treated you well?" Bill asked as Penny let go of him.

"Eric's okay. And so is Pam, in her charming way."

Bill stopped smiling when he heard a car's door close. He sensed a human and sternly looked at Penny, who walked to the front door and opened it further.

"It's okay, come on in," she called out.

The scientists too realized that a beating heart was coming toward them.

"Is this a test Penny?" Howard said. Raj took a sip of his flask. His friends followed his example. Bill told his sons to wait in the living room. They obeyed and Bill joined Penny at the door.

"You didn't bring a human from Fangtasia, did you?" Bill said, even though it was clear to him that the woman who purposefully approached the house didn't resemble a fangbanger at all. There was something about her... As she came closer and closer, Bill reproachfully glanced at Penny, who pretended not to notice.

"Good evening," the woman greeted Bill.

"Good evening ma'am."

"Bill, may I introduce you to Mrs Cooper?"

Bill got the confirmation he needed. He clenched his jaws.

"Mrs C," Penny said as if she were still unaware of her maker's displeasure, "please meet Mr Compton."

"So, you're the man who killed my Sheldon," Mary Cooper opened the pleasantries.

"Mom! What are you doing here?"

"My my Sheldon, don't scare people by suddenly showing up."

Addressing Bill she said: "May I come in?"

Bill reluctantly inclined his head.

Sheldon nervously eyed Bill as if he expected the older vampire to bite his mother. Mary embraced her son, who allowed her to do so but made no attempt to hold her in return. Over his mother's shoulder Sheldon questioningly looked at Penny. The one-sided hug lasted shorter than it usually did, for Sheldon's lack of a response combined with his cold body made Mary very aware of the fact that her son was one of the walking dead.

"Sweet Jesus, aren't you cold," she said.

"That's because I don't have a heartbeat anymore mother."

"Don't act cheeky Shelly. Mommy knows that you're a... a... "

"Vampire."

"Ay."

"Saying it like that does make me feel awkward. Vampire. It's just a word of course."

"Not quite Sheldon. Not quite."

"What brings you here?" Sheldon asked his mother.

"I was worried for not getting a 'bazinga' message."

"I didn't add 'bazinga' because I wasn't pulling you one of my classic pranks."

"I wish you had."

Sheldon looked puzzled. "Would it have made you laugh?"

"Making jokes about losing your meagre chance to go to heaven is not something I appreciate. Oh look, here are your little friends too. Hello boys."

"Hello Mrs Cooper. How are you?"

"My youngest son was turned into a vampire. Other than that I'm fine. How about you Leonard?"

"I'm all right, thank you."

"Good evening Mrs Cooper," Howard said with a charming smile.

"Hello Howard. You look even paler than usual. Does your Indian friend still have difficulties talking to ladies?"

Raj nodded and raised his hand in greeting.

"You don't intend to drink of that kitten, do you?"

Raj looked shocked. He shook his head and held Arya close to his chest as if to reassure her as well as Sheldon's mother of his honourable intentions.

"That's good."

"Why don't you get all of us some drinks Rajesh," Bill said. He looked at his guest and gestured toward the living room. With a small nod Mary accepted his invitation.

Bill caught Penny's eye. She understood that he wanted to communicate that she was in trouble. She suspected that her gentleman maker was capable of being mean and she was all the more pleased with herself for the sweet, shy and above all innocent smile she managed to give him.


	9. Chapter 9

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 9

Bill's living room lacked decorative plates, as well as statues of farm animals and properly painted walls. Mary Cooper wandered over to the chimney where a framed picture added some normality, if one could ignore the fact that it showed the mansion's owner in the 19th century clothing of his breathing days.

Bill followed his guest. "Those are my wife Caroline and our children Sarah and Thomas," he told her. Mary inquired after his days as a 'real human' and Bill, being the gentleman he was, answered her questions. Behind their backs Howard worriedly asked Penny about her work at Fangtasia.

"Having a family is a blessing," Mary replied to Bill's remark that he'd been grateful to have been gifted the picture they were looking at. Mary asked her host whether he'd ever visited his relatives after he'd become a vampire. Bill told her that that had not been possible. Mary suggested that it had been hard for him not to see his family again and Bill, who felt a bit trapped, reluctantly agreed. "Do you use oil lamps because that reminds you of your living days?" Mrs Cooper then asked Mr Compton.

"I've got electricity here. I just never got rid of the lamps," Bill said with a tight smile. Raj walked in carrying a tray with six mugs, a cup of cappuccino, and a plate with cookies. "Please have a seat ma'am," Bill invited Mary.

As Mary sat down between her son and Penny Bill said that when he'd called Eric after sunset, the sheriff hadn't mentioned the fact that Penny was allowed to go home. Raj served the drinks and placed the plate in front of Sheldon's mother. Mary, despite the tension she felt, smiled her thanks.

"I guess he wanted it to be a surprise," Penny said.

"My guess is that you too like surprises Penny," Bill replied. "Am I to expect more parents visiting?"

His sons were puzzled by the question but Howard, Raj and Leonard didn't give it much of a thought: they eagerly awaited Penny's answer.

"So it wasn't just my lack of a 'bazinga!'?" Sheldon asked his mother. Mary studied the cookies.

Penny shrugged at her friends apologetically and that made her reply to Bill redundant. "Mrs Cooper lives closest to Bon Temps," Penny said, "and I couldn't make any more calls at the time."

"You called... But Bill commanded us not to contact our – Oh! By Newton, I can't believe that you of all people figured that out!"

Now understanding what Penny had done and reasoning that Bill wasn't too pleased with it, Leonard tried for a diversion: "My mother will probably say that I made this up to get her attention. And once she understands it's for real she'll write a new bestseller: _Creedy baby, creedy vampy._"

"How could I have missed that?" Sheldon said to himself. "_I'm_ not a community college dropout..."

Mary glanced at Penny to see how she would take this, but the young woman shrugged at her son's insult. Raj whispered into Howard's ear. "He said," Howard reported for Mrs Cooper's sake, "that his parents would still want to find him a nice Indian bride."

Mary swallowed a 'parents know best'. She picked up her coffee.

"What about your relatives Penny?" Bill asked. He sounded friendly enough.

"I tried to call them, but of course I couldn't," Penny admitted sheepishly. She kept to herself that Mrs Cooper had contacted her parents but that they'd thought she was someone from her theatre class pulling them a joke. Penny had learned that 'to contact' didn't merely mean 'to make contact' but also 'to talk or text'. It was a good thing her new phone didn't have internet functionality, or she might have embarrassed herself and scared her parents by flashing her fangs at them for proof.

"My mom will just be sorry that she won't have to make me her famous brisket anymore," Howard said, sounding confident.

"Isn't there some Jewish recipe with blood?" Leonard asked.

"Blood has been an ingredient in many kitchens for centuries," Sheldon said. Addressing Penny he added: "Raj tried to make us bloody pancakes."

Raj nodded and shrugged to communicate that he needed to work on it some more.

There was a silence that lasted for several moments. Bill stared at Penny.

"I hope you don't feel... fooled. It wasn't my intention to do that Bill. I just needed someone to know," Penny said. She refrained from saying that it was a bonus that the parent who lived nearest had a lot of experience in handling stubborn men.

"Would you mind Mr Compton," Mary said as she put down her cup, "if the two us had a little private conversation?"

OoOoOoO

Mary Cooper guided Bill unto his own lawn.

"Such a nice garden. It needs a little work of course, but it has potential. My father, may he rest in peace, used to have sleepless nights. My mother planted several flowers that only bloom at night so he'd have a nice view on his midnight strolls in the garden. That might be something for you too?"

Bill politely asked whether she could recommand any flowers.

"The chocolate flower smells after chocolate and there's the moon flower and the evening prim rose. And a dragon flower of sorts if I recall correctly."

"I will see if the local store has any of those flowers for sale."

"And if not, just let me know and I'll ask my mother to send you some."

"Thank you."

Mary reasoned that her introduction had lasted long enough. "You know Mr Compton, I was angry with you for killing my son and his friends, but Penny made me understand that I'd have to mourn my child if it wasn't for your intervention. It's hard for me to thank you yet for to me most vampires are creatures of the dark."

"I assure you ma'am that -"

"My Holy Book," Mary interrupted Bill, "don't mention vampires. It mentions God's children: us humans. Now, much as I love my son, if he'd turned into a fanged murderer, I would have staked him, may the Lord forgive me."

"I assure you ma'am that as a maker I will never allow my offspring to drink from humans."

"Beg to differ Mr Compton: my Sheldon is _my_ offspring. Even in a hundred years time, when my flesh has left my bones, he'll be _my_ son."

"He will be indeed. Still according to vampire rules, he is also my child now. It is my task to protect my children and to protect them against themselves."

"Is that what your 'maker' did for you?"

"She protected me."

"Against yourself? Back when you stopped being human there were no fancy bottles of fake blood right?" Mary held up her hand to prevent the vampire from replying. "I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't survive on animal blood and I don't wanna know anything about it. Now, my son and his friends won't have to 'hunt' if you don't mind me using that word. That makes it easier for them to deal with being a vampire. They can continue to 'live their lives' so to speak. In Pasadena."

"There is a lot to being a vampire that doesn't have to do with blood," Bill sternly said. His tone of voice was unsuccessful in shutting up Mrs Cooper. "I'm listening," she said.

"Vampire hierarchy is very strict," Bill started.

"A hierarchy comes with rules. Rules can be taught. Teach them. What else?"

Bill had a sense of deja-vu."It's not that simple. They'd be too far away."

"You could travel to Pasadena by plane and there's modern devices like phones and webcams. If Redge has a question about whether he can add baking soda to blood, you'll only be a phone call away."

To his shame Bill had no difficulty seeing the advantages of his children living 1600 miles from Bon Temps.

"I want to be a good maker."

Mary stopped walking and so Bill was obliged to stand still too.

"Pray tell me, did you become a vampire when your Sarah and Thomas were young?"

Bill nodded.

"So you never experienced what it's like to find out that they no longer need you?"

Bill stared ahead. When Mary continued to walk he trailed along.

"You never had to let go," Mary concluded. "It's not easy to do so, I know that Mr Compton, but the five of them are adults. My three children moved out of my house, but they are still in my heart." Mary smiled at Bill and added: "Being their mother I fear something may happen to them. My George might get a car accident for his hobby is to collect speeding tickets. Missy, who's Sheldon's twin, might get pregnant by some idiot and it is a miracle that Sheldon's smartmouth hasn't gotten him into hospital yet. Still, I can't very well lock them indoors now can I? All that's left for me to do is pray to the Lord that He'll keep an eye on them."

_1600 miles away_, Bill thought.

"This is the first time I became a maker. I want to do the right thing."

"And you did. You want them to be vampires who don't kill people."

"Which is why," Bill started, but Mary ignored him: "And it must reassure you to know that they themselves don't want to be vampires who kill people."

"Which is why them living in Pasadena wouldn't work."

"Why? Won't that spell of yours work long distance?"

Bill searched his brain for a reply and Mary was quick to draw her conclusion. "So it will work. Problem solved. We're half-way there already."

Mrs Cooper's last line barely registered with Bill, who was scolding himself for picturing the privacy he'd have if his progeny moved to California.

"You mentioned vampire hierarchy Mr Compton. This Eric Northman is more powerful than you are, right?"

"Yes," Bill said, "he is a sheriff. And much older than I am."

"And the 'magister' is more powerful than he is."

"Yes he is."

"So you'd have to obey them?"

"I would."

"As things stand, they could order you to command your 'children'."

"They could also directly command them," Bill pointed out.

"And what Sheldon and his friends do then, comes on them. What they do when you command them as their 'maker', comes on you."

OoOoOoO

"They're returning!" Leonard cried out.

"How does Bill look like?" Penny asked.

"Pensive I'd say."

"Good. Now, remember guys: I want everyone at their _best_ behaviour."


	10. Chapter 10

_Author's note: here's the final chapter of 'A bloody nuisance'. It has an open ending (but then again: when is a story truly finished?) and I hope you'll enjoy it._

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 10

_What they do when you command them as their 'maker', comes on you._

Mrs Cooper's words slowed Bill down. He recalled how Sarah wearing a pretty frock on occassion of her brother's baptism had made him picture giving her away to her bridegroom. The idea had made him sentimental and proud at the same time. Focusing on the here and now he asked his guest: "You want me to promise you that I won't command them anymore?"

"I want you to be unable to command them."

"You want me to set them free?"

Mary, who had planned to convince Bill to allow the fivesome to return home before making her most important request, feared she'd overplayed her hand.

"Would you have let your infants play on a high way Mrs Cooper?" Bill sharply continued.

"The five of them are adults. Will they make mistakes, like thinking that they are stronger than they really are? Yes they will. I err too at times. Do you think my mother feels to blame for that?"

"You don't kill people."

"The five of them could have drained all of Merlotte's patrons. They didn't. Had you commanded them yet?"

Bill clenched his jaws. He felt cornered by this Texan mortal, who obviously didn't truly understand who she was dealing with. Immediately his arrogance made him scold himself.

"It's too soon," he lamely said.

"What would be a 'normal' period?"

"I was released after fifty years. Eric Northman's progeny Pam is still bonded to him. She was turned some hundred years ago."

"I take it there are also vampires who turn humans and never pay them attention anymore?"

"There are vampires who do that yes. They act irresponsibly and disrespectfully."

"You've proved to be the opposite," Mary patiently said, "You care for them."

Bill didn't respond and saundered away from the house. Mary followed him along.

"And I appreciate that Mr Compton. It can't be easy to share your house with people who are practically strangers. And one of those strangers being my Sheldon... I love him, The Lord above knows that I do but he's a know-it-all and a hand-full and that's saying it nicely."

A throatily sound of agreement escaped Bill.

"I was told that you have a friend in Bon Temps? Is she a vampire too?"

"No," Bill said, wondering where the conversation was heading to. "Sookie is human."

Mary agreed with Penny that Bill made his girlfriend's two syllable name sound like a complete sonnet. A sonnet of longing.

"I hope Sheldon didn't treat her... well, not too condescending? His friends got used to it, but most people get upset with him."

"He hasn't met her. None of them has. I am very protective toward Sookie."

"I see. You wouldn't be able to control all of them should something go wrong?"

Bill stood still and stared at Mrs Cooper. He was about to remark that considering what she'd just said about Merlotte's patrons her remark was rather strange, but at the same time he pictured his children getting high on Sookie's blood.

"Is your girlfriend all right with you having children now?"

"We barely spoke since it happened."

"Because you wanted to look after them? That must be hard on your relationship," Mary said sympathetically.

Bill briefly got a far-away look in his eyes, that didn't go unnoticed by his guest.

"You know, Penny is rather charmed by you," Mary said, ticking off another item on project Freedom's checklist.

"She is my daughter," Bill said sounding appalled.

"I doubt she sees you as a father figure."

"She ought to do so."

OoOoOoO

When Bill and Mary entered the house the former was the first to locate the source of a vile scent. He called for Rajesh.

"You'd better clean that," Bill told him, gesturing toward a modest pile of cat-puke in the hall.

"I'm afraid," Raj whispered into Bill's ear, "that the tuna-in-oil was too much for Arya's delicate tummy. I'd like to get her some kitten food?"

Bill stepped back. "You can't go to the store all by yourself."

"I'm sure he did his groceries all alone before Mr Compton."

Raj nodded eagerly.

_1600 miles away._

"We passed a supermarket on our way here. I could give him a ride?"

Raj swirled his flask to let Bill know that he had enough Tru Blood with him.

Bill hesitated for a moment. He couldn't be with his children all the time and they were hardly tottlers. He inclined his head. "I'd appreciate that Mrs Cooper."

"Come along Redge."

Raj and Mrs Cooper left. The puke remained.

"Sheldon!"

Sheldon appeared along with Leonard, who carried a tray of Tru Blood.

"Would you care to clean that up?" Bill said, indicating the puke.

"Why?"

"Arya produced it. You took her in."

"We all did. I didn't hear you complaining. Why don't you ask Raj to do it? He claims to be her 'daddy'."

"He and Mrs Cooper went to buy her food."

"If you knew how I responded to puke, you'd think again to ask me to get rid of it."

"Yeah. He'll just add to it," Leonard said.

"A vile scent won't make a vampire puke," Bill informed his sons.

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "Your phrasing suggests that puking isn't alien to vampires. Howard will be pleased to learn that. What makes a vampire puke?"

"That's not something we're going to test Sheldon."

Ignoring his friend Sheldon questioned Bill some more. "The human body uses vomiting – among others - to get rid of dangerous food. What if blood is poisoned? Will we vomit to get rid of it? And what sort of poison must we fear? What if any or all of the bottles we drained were poisoned? We need to get to a hospital! Penny! Howard!"

In a flash his two friends appeared in the hall.

"What is it Sheldon?"

"We might all be poisoned!"

Penny caught Bill's eye. Bill shook his head and said: "Tru Blood won't be poisoned."

"How you made it to be over a hundred years old is a mystery to me. Of course Tru Blood might be poisoned. Why didn't I think of this before? What about all those people who hate vampires: they have all day to meddle with the bottles and add...?"

"Aids?" Leonard said when Bill didn't finish Sheldon's line.

"The only human disease that affects us is hep d. Its effect is limited though. It will merely weaken us for about a month."

"Do the human authorities know about it?"

Bill's shrug was responded by Sheldon's eye roll.

"What about other substances? Arsenic? Cinnamon?" Sheldon tried.

"Cinnamon?"

"Yes, why not Leonard? Imagine being beraved of eternal life by something as insignificant as cinnamon. Of course it used to be a valued spice and my Meemaw's apple pie wouldn't be the same without it. Did you know Bill that finding its source was one of the reasons why the Europeans set out to explore the world, so they could bypass the Arab cinnamon monopoly?"

"I don't feel sick. Do you?" Leonard asked his friends.

"I feel sick at the thought that I might have poison in my system."

"We could develop a test to check whether Tru Blood is save to drink?"

"Oh yes, what a wonderful idea Howard. Why don't we go to Bill's well equiped laboratory? Besides, Bill obviously doesn't have a clue as to what might be fatal to us. A tiny bit of rat poison or a minuscule drop of the juice of taraxacum officinale could do the trick. Or perhaps a splinter of wood. Do you have clean stockings with you Penny? We could use those for a sieve."

Bill expected Penny to object to Sheldon's plan but she blushed and looked away.

"Silver," Bill said. "That's fatal to us. Solid or liquid."

"Only silver huh?" Penny said. "What were you going to test Sheldon?"

"I want to examine the effect of Tru Blood on strenght, speed and sensitivity."

"Why don't you start by examing how long it takes to clean a cat's puke," Bill suggested. "It stinks."

"Just breath through your mouth," Sheldon haughtily said.

Anger flared through Bill but it left him the moment Sheldon chuckled in a disturbing way.

"Bazinga. A vampire doesn't breath."

Meanwhile Leonard had taken a chair from the living room and he held it above his head. It happened to be a mid 18th century chair, as the proud owner had informed Leonard previously.

"A chair? Really Leonard. That is not practical. Or are you by any chance trying to impress Penny?"

Turning to Bill Sheldon said: "As you'll recall I mentioned that Leonard longs to make Penny his girlfriend. I told him that his plan will fail and may I add Leonard: especially since Bill is around. It is common knowlegde that women seek for a strong, stable and therefore usually older mate to start a family."

Penny becomingly looked at the floor.

"I take it that vampires are sterile but unfortunately the neocortex loses the battle too often and in Penny's case it certainly will. Even though it isn't working anymore."

"I thought Penny was your friend," Bill said to change the subject. "Why do you always talk people down?"

"Did you hear that Leonard?" Howard said. "Bill is already acting like a knight standing up for his lady."

Penny's bent face now showed a charming smile.

_1600 miles away._

"I'd like you to be kind Sheldon."

"You sound just like my mother. She too wants me to apply social rules. I've told her two hundred and seventy six times that what she really wants me to do is to lie. And that act ought to go against her Christian beliefs. Does the Bible tell people to hide the truth?"

Thinking Sheldon had asked a retorical question, Bill simply waited for him to continue talking. Instead Sheldon raised his eyebrows.

"No," Bill said, feeling dumb, "it doesn't."

"Yet you want me to lie."

"No. I want you to be kind. And to clean Arya's puke."

"I'll do that for you Bill," Penny said and before Bill could object she went to the kitchen to get some cleaning devices.

"Good," Sheldon said. "We will wait for Penny to clean up and then we'll start our test. I will assume that our current supply of True Blood is safe to use. You may assist us Bill. You must be thrilled seeing real scientists at work. The circumstances are primitive of course, but that is hardly _our_ fault."

Sheldon told Bill what would be expected of the guinea-pigs and Bill played along. In the back of his mind he suspected that he was seeking out Sheldon's company to cement a decision. While following Sheldon's instructions he recalled how free he'd felt after Lorena had released him. For decades he'd been used to being bonded to her, whether it was by being summoned or by her coming to his side when she sensed that he'd been hurt. A summons usually resulted in bloodshed. In the years preceding his release Lorena had had to command him to do certain things. Painful, bloody things. Neither the deeds nor his state of mind had ever bothered her.

_What they do when you command them as their 'maker', comes on you. _

These days there were cell phones and webcams and those might even make up for the distance between Bon Temps and Pasadena. Besides: he'd been Lorena's sole progeny whereas his children could rely on each other for help.

Through his musings Bill was aware that Penny applauded him for being victorious in every test. Leonard got increasingly chagrined and not wanting to alienate his son Bill thought it best to ask Penny to prepare a bed for Mrs Cooper. The words had barely left his lips or he realised how sexist they were. Penny however practically danced her way up the stairs to fulfil his request.

"Oh yeah," Howard told Leonard after Penny had disappeared from view. "You don't stand a chance."

"Not that he ever did before. Penny is aesthetically pleasing and she can have any man. And as a vampire she will never loose her looks."

"Nor will I," Leonard said.

Sheldon snorted. "That is true, you'll always be a homunculus."

"You'll always be you!" Leonard angrily said. He marched outside.

"I wasn't insulting him in any way!" Sheldon informed Bill who sternly looked at him.

"He took it as an insult."

"You don't know what a homunculus is, do you?"

OoOoOoO

Penny dropped the bedclothes she'd found on a mattress, seated herself on a plain wooden chair and enjoyed the tense conversation that floated toward her. When Leonard re-entered the house, followed by Mrs Cooper and Raj, she quickly made the bed, while wondering whether her landlord would object to having some windows covered with fibreboard. _Don't get ahead of things_, she told herself, _you're not home yet_.

Sensing a heartbeat coming near she cried out: "I'm here Mrs C!"

Mary entered the room and gave an approving nod.

"This is how I'd imagined a cell in a nunnery," she told Penny.

"No crucifix though."

Downstairs a verbal fight had started between Sheldon and Leonard. Raj sided with Leonard and when Howard refused to take sides Raj accused him of being indecisive.

"Can you imagine how surprised I was when Sheldon told me he was in search of a roommate? I reasoned he wanted more money to buy toys and comics."

"How did the shopping go?"

"The poor boy didn't say a word. For his sake I hope it will wear off. Now that he's a vampire, I mean. He put just a few cans of food in the cart, but I told him to buy plenty. Don't want little Arya to starf, now do we? Your friend was eyeing this cat-leash, would you believe those things excist? I told him he might as well get one."

"Let me guess, it was pink with lots of bling?"

Mary nodded.

"Did the leash come with a matching coat?"

"A coat? We're talking about a cat Penny."

"And about Raj. Can you imagine him in Fangtasia?"

Mary grinned.

The argument downstairs reached a peak.

"Doctor Sheldon Lee Cooper, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D, Sc.D _and_ V is driving people nuts once more," Penny commented.

"I love my son but I'm not blind for the fact that he can make a saint follow satan's path."

"Or make a vampire step into the sun," Penny mumbled.

OoOoOoO

Standing amid his quarreling sons Bill once more thought about living in a nest. His family of six definitely was too large for a group of vampires and every one of his sons could make the people of Bon Temps march to the Compton house, torches in hand.

Bill walked to the kitchen, zigzagging between trays of cat food. It took him five drawers before he'd located the coffeepads, but at least he'd found the spoons and the sugar by then, though they belonged in the cupboard where he'd stored them. The Tru Blood was still located in the refrigerator.

"That's something," Bill muttered. In the background he heard Howard say something in a strange tongue, which made his friends laugh. He thought he recognized a name from a _Lord of the Rings_ film.

Arya walked toward him and sniffed at his shoes.

"At least they're behaving themselves again," he whispered to the kitten.

Arya ran to a corner of the kitchen, where a bowl of water stood. With the Tru Blood warming in the microwave Bill squatted next to the animal. He found himself smiling at the sight of the cat's tiny tongue spooning up water. He was reminded of Tina sitting on his lap and that made him think of Sookie. Sookie with her sun-kissed locks and silk skin. Sookie who'd slept in the upstairs bedroom and whose scent still lingered there, if only in his imagination. What if someone threatened to hurt Sookie unless he'd order say Howard to kill a stranger?

_Sookie would be safe and I'd be devastated to see Howard broken. I've done too many painful bloody things in my days as it is._

PEEP

Bill prepared coffee, placed all beverages on a tray and nearly tripped over Arya. He cursed under his breath, hurt his foot against a tray of cat food, and cursed some more. At the bottom of the stairs he called out for Mrs Cooper and Penny.

"Coming Bill!" Penny cried out.

_Sweet, affectionate and clever Penny. What if someone will make me command her to do something she loaths to do? What if I turn into a freak?_

In the living room the white boards were being covered with test results.

"Any good?" Bill asked.

"You wouldn't understand," Sheldon said.

"Try me."

"Well all right," Sheldon started, "what we found out -" and after that Bill didn't get a lot of what the physicist said.

"Normal language Sheldon," Mrs Cooper said on entering the room. "So everyone can understand it. Oh, that reminds me, I bought you something."

She searched her handbag and produced a rolled up magazine. "Here you are Shelly."

"Mother, _National geographic_? You do realise that vampires don't have to relieve themselves, do you?"

Mrs Cooper raised her eyebrows. "Excuse me? I brought you something scientific to read -"

Sheldon huffed.

"- and all I expect to hear is 'thank you mother'."

"How would you feel if I got you a magazine for four year olds?" Sheldon held his magazine up. "This might be nice for the likes of Penny and Bill but giving it to me is an insult. But rest assured: I know a way for you to make up for it. You can join our experiment -"

"No Sheldon."

Sheldon pouted. "But you don't even know what I mean to ask you."

"I do know I won't like it."

Addressing her host Mary said: "I've had my shares of tests with my son. Every since he was two years old. At least once a week he'd come up with something silly."

"My tests are never silly!"

"Most of the time it didn't lead to the result you'd hoped for."

"That's why scientists test mother. Unlike religious people we need proof. Oh, speaking of which: I meant to ask you Bill whether you could take us to Mr Merlotte -"

"Why don't we sit down?" Bill said. "Our drinks will be drinkable by now."

Sheldon would have finished his line if it wasn't for the fact that Arya entered the room. Both he and Raj tried to lure the kitten and Sheldon smiled victoriously when Arya crawled up his leg.

"Does. She. Like. Her. Food?" Mrs Cooper asked Raj.

Raj bent over to Howard's ear.

"He wants to feed her at regular times and – ," Howard started his broadcast.

"Oh no honey, cats hunt whenever they can," Mary slowly told Raj.

Howard, seated between the two, did his best to make his slim frame even slimmer.

"You'd best place several bowls of food in the house, and water bowls as well. Allow her to eat and drink all the time, yes?"

Looking slightly fearful Raj nodded.

"Maybe we could make these runways for her, you know, along the walls, with stairs and all!" Penny enthousiastically said.

"Yeah!" Howard said. "It could go all the way through the house, with small gates through the walls to connect rooms."

"You would like that, wouldn't you?" Sheldon said, lifting Arya so he could look her in the eyes. "Cats after all like to look down at their surroundings."

Raj whispered into Howard's ear.

"He wants to make her little pink hangmats," Howard told Mrs Cooper. Sheldon protested that Arya Stark wouldn't care for the colour pink. Howard, bottle in hand, walked to a white board where he drew a sketch of Bill's house. Leonard fantasized out loud that it might be fun to install slides.

Right then and there Bill knew he'd come to a decision. _I may feel like a self-interested failure for making it, but a maker ought to think of his progeny first. And if they weren't the vampires they are, I wouldn't do this. They're ready and able to continue their lives. _

"May I remind you that this is my house?"

Howard shrugged. "We have to live here too."

"For now..."

"What do you mean Bill?" Penny said.

Mary noticed that the blonde's hurt expression made Mr Compton look uncomfortable. Her son was obviously mistaken by concluding that Penny's lack of work as an actress was related to her acting skills.

"Howard, please join us here," Bill said. After the engineer sat down, Bill continued: "I may not have been clear about this, but it hasn't been my intention to keep you here forever."

Sheldon wanted to comment but Penny nudged him into keeping his mouth shut.

"It took me a while to fully realize that things are different now," Bill said. "In my time newly created vampires had to start another life yet these days they can more or less continue their lives. It is clear to me that you don't have the intention to hurt humans. Your behaviour showed that you live up to your intentions. Because of that, I think it is only right that I allow you to return home."

Bill looked to his right were Raj and Howard wore huge grins and Mrs Cooper smiled at him as if he were a boy scout winning a price for selling cookies.

"But what if I'd want to stay?" Penny said in a small voice.

"You're not staying here. You know I hate change. I need to know that when I check Bill's database, you'll be stealing our Wifi in 4B."

"And in case you're attracted to Bill," Leonard merrily said, "may I remind you that in a vampire way he is your father. Would you want to have intercourse with your _father_?"

"Ew!"

Leonard looked smug.

"But Bill isn't really my father," Penny said. She looked at Bill for support.

"It feels that way to me Penny."

"It does?"

Bill nodded, glad that the topic was being addressed.

"Yeah, I guess when you add incest it's less appealing," Howard muttered.

Penny sat back looking defeated. Bill smiled at her reassuringly but she avoided eye contact.

OoOoOoO

After Bill and Mrs Cooper had gone over the travel arrangements the latter retired for what was left of the night. She hadn't mentioned the topic of releasing his progeny, but Bill had no doubt that she would. She wouldn't be disappointed by his reaction, but he needed a little more time to take the last step.

Bill joined his children outside. Howard was in the middle of telling his friends that his mother's basement, scary as it had been to him as a child, would now be the perfect place to spend the day. Bill listened until he was finished and then asked for everyone's attention.

"You don't want to hurt humans and I don't want you to hurt humans. I do realize however that your ignorance on how vampires have fed in the past centuries might cause harm. Therefore I will teach you when to stop drinking. Could you catch a small mammal please Penny?"

Penny returned fairly soon holding a struggling opossum.

"Close your eyes Raj," Howard advised his friend.

"You don't have to watch," Bill said, feeling that he was the first maker ever to say this, "as long as you listen. Penny, what can you tell me about the animal's heartbeat?"

"It's rapid."

The opossum made angry sounds, as if it challenged Penny.

"Extract your fangs and make sure the animal doesn't see them. If it does, its heartbeat might become too rapid, causing heart failure. Now what I want you to do is bite the animal and slowly suck its blood. However, every moment you should be aware of its heartbeat – it should be steady – and of the amount of blood you already took. Take no more then one tenth. For an animal this size that would mean no more but four modest sucks. For a human it's no more than a bottle of Tru Blood. You'll understand that the human has to be willing."

Four voices dutifully said: 'Yes Bill." Raj nodded his agreement.

"In case you feed off a human, make sure to recommand vitamine B and iron supplements."

"You haven't thought this through, have you? Most people don't have a clue as to the food that contains both vitamine B and iron."

"Red meat is always good Sheldon," Bill said.

"Once again you fail to see something. What if people are vegetarians?"

"There are supplement pills these days."

"Also known as expensive pee pills. Anyway, this demonstration is redundant: we won't drink off humans or animals: And I don't see Didelphia Virginiana go in search for red meat after Penny is done with him."

The opossum found that he couldn't move a limp in his captor's grasp and he doubled his vocal protests. Raj whimpered. Howard and Leonard didn't seem to happy either. Sheldon had spoken coolly, but his voice was higher than usual and a muscle near his eye was twitching. Penny, who felt bad for being curious about the taste of animal blood, retracted her fangs and shrugged at Bill.

"All right, let go of it," Bill said. He studied his children: Leonard, Howard and Sheldon looked relieved. Penny grinned at the sight of a smiling Rajesh who waved at the fleeing opossum.

"Question: we all ate meat so we didn't think that buying a part of a slaughtered animal to feed ourselves was wrong. Knowing this, would you still suggest us to merely take a sip of an small animal? And wouldn't it be easier, more hygienic and less hairy to make an incision and collect the blood in a bottle or so?" Not waiting for a reply Sheldon continued: "I must say that I don't understand why you wanted to test us this way."

"To teach you that restraint is good."

"We won't cause harm to humans," Leonard added, his tone of voice betraying that they'd discussed the topic more than once.

"I know. But perhaps you recall Sheldon saying that in case a human is willing there was nothing wrong with feeding off a human."

"For science Bill!" Sheldon pointed out.

"For that or perhaps for other reasons," Bill said. "You might want to make love to a human."

"Absolutely not!"

"Let the man talk," Leonard told Sheldon.

Bill looked at four curious children and one shocked son.

"You will find that when you are aroused your fangs will show unless you will them not to."

"It would be impolite to show them," Sheldon said, "for every homo sapiens sapiens knows that laughing excluded showing teeth is an act of aggresion."

"_You_ couldn't show them if you wanted to. And people who have sex with vampires might actually be aroused by fangs," Leonard said.

"Because they are so called 'forbidden fruit'?" Sheldon asked. He eyed Penny for support.

"Partly," she said. "From what I heard in Fangtasia it is not uncommon that while making love a vampire will suck some blood from his human lover. It was described as -" Penny struggled for a description fitted for Sheldon and she came up with: "- driving both partners to an instant orgasm."

Raj giggled, Leonard looked smug and Howard responded to Penny's words by showing a small smile. Sheldon raised his eyebrows.

"I stand by my remark that it is a shame that vampires feel the need to engage in coitus."

"You'll remember that when I bit y'all, it hurt."

"'Cause the magister ordered you to turn us 'the tough way'?" Howard asked.

Bill nodded. "Should you make love, you will find that the pleasuring way to drink comes naturally. But remember: no more than one bottle. And your partner -"

Bill looked at his children to finish his line. Sheldon stood with his arms folded to indicate that he would have no part in the conversation. Raj wore a dreamily smile.

"Needs to be willing," the three other vampires said.

"I also heard," Penny said for educational purposes, "that after giving a human lover a love bite, smearing a drop of vampire blood on the puncture marks will heal the wounds."

"That is true, yes."

"It is? How interesting," Sheldon said.

"That's all you have to say?" Howard asked.

"This is what Bill will reply to my request for intelligence: 'I don't know' or 'It's magic'."

Picturing his future life Bill evenly said: "You're a good student after all Sheldon."

OoOoOoO

Before retiring for the day the vampires had a nightcap in the kitchen. Raj busied himself by setting the table so Mrs Cooper could enjoy breakfast the following morning. He wrote her a note to ask her to make sure Arya's bowls were filled. Leonard and Howard were talking about necro-tempered glass from _Angel_. Bill found the topic interesting but he could barely pay attention to it: after Sheldon had lectured him on the difference between good and brilliant, his son unexpectedly talked about vampires and coitus. The description reminded Bill more of lusty things than slang would have done but Sheldon's remarks relating body fluids and how absurd it was that vampires produced any at all almost made sex loose its appeal. He was glad when Sheldon sharply interrupted a glass-related theory voiced by Leonard: "It can't be done the way you suggest it Leonard. Sometimes engineers _are_ right. I'd also like to remind you that the vampires from _Buffy_ and _Angel_ are fictional characters. Now for something different: I think it might be wise if we were to rent a laboratory. I don't want Caltech to claim ownership of our inventions on account of us using their facilities."

Peep peep.

"Ah, my dutiful watch. I wish I had one with a little devil in it, like they have on the Discworld. It would say 'doctor Cooper: it is time for you to prepare for the day'."

"Doctor Cooper: a vampire shouldn't need it," Leonard said in a high voice. "The sun will rise in thirty minutes, right Bill?"

Bill nodded.

"How often have you worked on equations and found that is was four in the morning?" Sheldon said.

The three scientists looked at each other and set their watches.

OoOoOoO

"I'm glad this is our last night here. I look forward to sleeping in my own room," Sheldon said as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"In the apartment you share with Leonard," Bill remarked as an introduction to a topic he wanted to address.

"Speaking of which," Sheldon said, "I came to realise Leonard that with your artificial attraction of being a vampire you might have a wider selection of partners for coitus and knowing you the way I do, you'll probably want to take advantage of that. I will therefore adjust our Roommate Agreement. I'm giving you notice right now that I will not allow for intercourse in our apartment."

"What?" Leonard said, leaning on his elbows and glaring at Sheldon, "You can't do that!"

"The Agreement says that I can."

"But you wrote it!"

"And you signed it."

Bill thought it ironic that Sheldon's lines were actually helpful. "The reason why I mentioned your living arrangements," he said, "is the fact that three of you live in the same apartment building, on the same floor. When vampires live in a group, and group is 'over two', they will badly influence each other and become aggresive toward humans and toward other vampires. It would eventually happen to the six of us. Apart from that humans might feel threatened by the nearness of a nest of vampires. I think that in time it would be best if either Leonard or Sheldon found another place to live."

"I'm not moving out," Sheldon said. "Leonard's the one subletting."

Leonard objected but Penny, who feared that Bill had come up with a reason not to let them return home, interrupted him.

"What if you have a girlfriend Leonard?"

"Haven't you heard what I just informed him about?"

"You know Leonard," Howard said, "It might be... convenient to have a place of your own."

Someone giggled.

"You might be right!" Leonard discovered. "Wasn't there an apartment for rent near Caltech?"

"Problem solved Bill," Sheldon concluded.

"Can you inquire after that apartment tomorrow Leonard? You may use my computer."

"Hold on, what about my transport to work? You'll have to drive me Penny!"

Penny laughed. "You can flash sweety."

"Flash," Sheldon whispered in awe.

Penny felt Raj press her hand and she wished him goodnight.

"Do you know what I noticed?" Sheldon asked. "Raj and Leonard fall asleep first, then Howard – Leonard, are you awake still?"

"I am," Howard said.

"It makes me wonder whether it has to do with the order in which we were turned. What do you think Howard?"

"Possibly. Bill?"

"There might be a connection."

"Howard?"

When no reply came, Sheldon told Penny to ask him questions until she heard no answers anymore. Penny wasn't in the mood for a Q&amp;A, so she simply said: "I recall the title of a TNG episode 'ship in a bottle'. What was it about again?"

Sheldon talked for a minute and then he stopped in mid-sentence. Penny heard the musical spider at work. She wanted to thank Bill for allowing them to go home but if she phrased it that way, he might guess that she'd played him. She settled for: "Thank you for trusting us Bill."

"I know y'all be human vampires Penny. You pride me."

Penny blinked and told herself that she was becoming sentimental. _I should ask Bill about glamouring_, she thought, but expecting to go 'out' any moment she merely said: "Night Bill."

OoOoOoO

As it happened Penny didn't have to bring up the subject of controlling people's minds: on waking up she sensed two human heartbeats and one of them turned out to belong to detective Bellefleur.

The officer had heard about an Indian vampire spending time in the mall with a 'decent looking lady'. Fearing that he'd soon have a murder to investigate Andy Bellefleur had made it for the Compton residence. The lady however was very much alive and she assured him that she'd not been hypnotized into being a vampire's servant. Bill confirmed her statement but Bellefleur didn't trust Bon Temps oldest vampire. The policeman's mood improved when Penny entered the hall but Sheldon's arrival made him grunt.

"I see that you've met before?" Mary concluded. "Detective Bellefleur, this young man is my son. I learned about his... condition and I came to see whether he was all right as well as behaving himself properly."

"I'm not a child mother and -"

"Hush Shelly," Mrs Cooper cut off Sheldon to Bellefleur's pleasure. "Now detective, I assure you that Redge didn't mess with my mind in any way. The poor thing wouldn't even be able to do so, for he can't talk when there are ladies present. It's some weird disease."

"Mrs Fortenberry mentioned his stange behaviour ma'am," Bellefleur said while casting Sheldon a look.

"And now you think that it were best if my Shelly had the same problem, don't you?"

Bellefleur turned red. Mary laughed, took him by his arm and walked him to the front door.

"Let me tell you that life would be much more... peaceful if that were the case. Now detective," Mary said as she opened the door, "thank you very much for checking on me. Penny already told me about you and I agree with her: this town is fortunate to have such an involved officer to look after its inhabitants."

Penny softly told Sheldon to keep his mouth shut.

When Leonard, Howard and Raj emerged the smiling detective just drove away.

"Detective Bellefleur paid us a visit for he feared that Mrs Cooper had been glamoured into coming here," Bill explained for the benefit of the late risers. "And I'd like to talk about that in the car."

"The car to the airport?"

"No Howard. Mrs Cooper hired an RV -"

"The back of which is completely light-proof."

"Vampires can travel in aircrafts mother."

"For kittens it might be dangerous!" Raj whispered in Howard's ear.

"Are you implying to bring Arya home with you? Mum! Tell him she's mine!"

"Redge has no one to talk to at home and you'll have Penny. The kitten is his."

"What do you mean 'he has Penny' Mrs Cooper?" Leonard asked.

"Mr Compton informed me that you're moving out. I can check the place you're after during the day if you like."

"You don't plan to come with us, do you?"

"I want to make sure you're settled in Pasadena Sheldon. I can buy light-proof stuff for all of you and talk to your landlords and bosses and have a mother to mother conversation with Mrs Wolowitz if need be. I'm coming along period."

Bill didn't voice the fatherly concerns that made him drive to California. He would check their living conditions, offer advise on hiding places and such and last but not least introduce them to the Pasadena vampire community. In the back of his mind he reasoned that after spending over twenty-four hours in an RV he'd be ready to part with his offspring.

OoOoOoO

Fifteen minutes after they'd left Shrevesport behind them, Penny was humming off key and accompanying herself by tapping the door. Arya had peed in her brand new carrier and miaowed as if she were ten times her size. Sheldon was relating interesting facts about the US system of highways and questioning driver Bill to see if he was paying attention. Howard and Leonard were arguing about products for WHKC, with additional input from their friends. Mrs Cooper was snoring in the back.

When Penny asked Bill why he was smiling, he looked at her via the mirror and said: "We're on a family outing. What's not to like about that?"


End file.
